I just had to play along….

Lots has happened since my twelve days of being “kidnapped”.

Ive made some good choices and some bad choices……

GOOD CHOICES-

1. Went to Grandmothers birthday and spent time with family

2. Went back to work and made money to pay bills and catch up from Aria

3. Quit smoking Meth and kept my promise to Kasey that I would not purchase another sac.

4. Was honest with Kasey about my decision to allow Thomas to manipulate me.

BAD CHOICES-

1. Allowed Kasey to continue being in my life, even though I was not getting what I needed from him

2. Allowed his friend Thomas to manipulate me into having sex.

3. Wasnt going to the gym regularly

Kasey was only calling sporadically and I was surprised when he was there for me after telling him I had fucked his friend.

Side Note- I was molested from ages 5 to 8 and since then have NEVER felt molested or manipulated by men because I always took charge and took the situation into my hands, until Thomas. He wasnt forceful or mean. He knew exactly what to say and his continuous pressure and banter wore on me. He also continued to feed me information about Kasey like he was a “bad person” and a “manipulator”, and asked me several times to stop talking about him. I was in a vulnerable state to begin with since i was out of drugs and prepared to come down as promised. He didn’t make me do it and in the end it was my decision, but after I asked him to leave my room & he left i jumped into the shower and cried. I held myself as the water poured down me, feeling molested and disrespected, I realized I was very unhealthy and ready to get back to myself.

Kasey called and I had to be honest about what happened. I was surprised Kasey flew me out to LA to allow me to detox and wind down from my toxic self

I felt embarrassed that Kasey had to see me this way; sweaty, stinky, tired, moody and broken out from the drug seeping thru my pours. I must have looked like something the cat dragged in but he took me in and was there for me.

I was proud of myself to show him it could be done, hoping he would see that with a little brain power anything is possible.

After two days he flew me back to Las Vegas and made sure to leave a text message telling me he was proud. I wanted more from him. I was so confused at what we were, or what we had?. Yes, I had done something stupid and wrong and immature and every other bad thing you want to call it by allowing myself to think i could be friends with a man who’s number one goal was to sleep with me. I tried to do something nice and was taken advantage of, worst of all it was his friend.  On the other hand, I hadnt stopped him from sleeping with anyone and never asked him what he was doing all the nights he did not call or reply to my texts. When I broke down what had happened, leaving him at Aria and us never establishing or talking about what would happen next I assumed he wanted to just have fun cause he didnt make much of an effort and my co dependent self wanted to find out why. My healthier self was telling me to let go.

Did I make the right Decision

THIS POST IS THE ENDING TO

https://kaseynation.wordpress.com/2010/09/02/finally-leaving-the-dream

That’s all I could think about as I drove down the 15 freeway going 94 MPH and having no intention to slow down. I was confident in my decision while i was leaving but it was the fresh air and choice of songs that had me rethinking my decision to leave Kasey at Aria.

If I had met Kasey one year prior and I was single things would have been different. I was a lost, co dependent person. I have always been financially independent but Co dependent on men for internal happiness. If I wasnt taking care of a man I felt like half a woman. I know the weak Chanel would have stayed and taken all the bull crap, sacrificing my own needs for his and waiting for him to respect me. I know this because, until a year ago I had  been doing this routine with my husband. Since meeting my husband I have been completely infatuated with him. I have no problem with men approaching me but I seem to look for a very distinctive quality, and will “Latch” on if I sense it. I “Latched” to my husband and didn’t let go. I did everything for him, and nothing for myself. I paid for everything; rent , bills, cars, cameras, vacations… you name it. Sometimes I worked two jobs to make sure we were comfortable.

Side Note- I haven’t always been a stripper and only went back to stripping after being laid off from Toyota and after my husband asked me to, so we could put a nice down payment on a condo.

Ill learned from my stepfather that you did what it took to make sure your family was comfortable and sacrificing my needs for others was in blood. Sometimes i worked 75 hours a week to provide a lifestyle that was comfortable for the both of us. He never had to worry about not having money because he knew i would take care of it. I had no friends, and never went out. Most days I enjoyed cleaning, cooking, and making sure i was cleaned up in time to put on a sexy outfit for him to enjoy. On my days off i worked out for hours making sure my body was in tip-top shape, hoping that would keep him around. I got him to marry me to say the least but he never stuck around. He was constantly lying to me and cheating (or at least he says trying to). Funny thing was… I was happy. I mean not deep deep down inside, but when i wasnt trying to think that far down, I was happy. I was addicted to being hurt and being walked on and was just happy having someone in my life.

What does this have to do with Kasey?

As I walked into my first therapy session with my SA, NA and LA counselor I remember the last question she asked me as I poured down tears of helplessness.

“What Chanel, Do you want to accomplish by meeting with me and hopefully achieve in your life?”

I thought long and hard and answered

“I want to no longer be addicted to pain, and I want to be strong enough to leave the people who hurt me and all unhealthy relationships in my life, including my husband if he doesnt get help”

Since that day, I have read book after book and done exercise after excercise strengthening my awareness of self and giving me the necessary tools i need to get healthy.

Watching Kasey “black out” at poker tables and drink himself into a coma every night, was screaming UNHEALTHY to my “improved self” . But I am and will always be a caretaker at heart, and my co dependent self was wondering if i should turn my car around and help Kasey through his addiction. He had encouraged the end of mine and I made a promise i knew i could keep. He even allowed me to be “my addict” and other than puppy eyes, didnt leave me. I remember the nights I sobered up and just wanted someone to be by my side. But I was getting healthy and I no longer wanted to be attracted to men who were addicts or in need of someone to take care of them. I wanted to be taken care of. It was my turn and I for the first time in my life I felt the most deserving of it.

I quickly called my counselor and started hyperventilating and cried while explaining to her my predicament

“Dr Tracy, you dont understand, he needs someone there, I feel like i should have stayed and been there for him. Every addict wants someone who understands and is there for them, I feel like i should turn around….”

“Chanel, has he called you?”

“No he doesnt even realized I left, Hes completely in his addict and blacked out, but i know when he walks up to the room he will be surprised i left”

“Chanel, you need to take care of yourself, but I also understand…..

At that moment I looked in my mirror to find Flashing Red and blue lights. Yes, I was getting pulled over and knew that Barstow cops were not going to let me get away with talking on my cell phone while speeding past Lenwood at 93 mph. I couldn’t find my Id to make matters worse and needed to call Kasey to see if I had left it. You wont believe it but its true when i tell you that Kasey answered his phone asking me why i needed my ID and hadn’t yet walked away from the poker table. He was trying to get me to tell the cop his attorneys name and at that moment i disconnected the line realizing i was getting nowhere with him. After given the ticket I called back my counselor to explain to her

“Tracy, Im not sure what it is….. Im healthier than i have ever been but with all the unhealthy he brings, it only compliments my unhealthy” “He’s not addicted to drugs or sex and doesn’t like being alone, I have a problem spending money on myself and he does that perfectly fine, hes smart and witty, extremely fun and attractive. His smile lights up a room and when he does this little dance where he raises his arms and moves his head side to side, i melt. I like that i can talk to him about all my problems and he doesn’t seem to judge, and he actually teaches me things and doesn’t need me to support him. He hasn’t put me down or said anything but positive stuff about me to others and I like that someone wanted me around as much as I wanted to be around. I never felt like i was suffocating him or invading his space… You know its nice when two people dont like being alone because its like a constant companionship instead one person feeling like they are too “needy”.”

“Well, Chanel, I do think your problems compliment each other, but his addictions seem to be overtaking him more than yours. You are very strong-willed and stubborn which helps you keep yourself in check” “Maybe you should call him ”

No seconds later was Kasey on the other line….

“Where are you!!!!???”

“What do you mean Kasey? Im on the 15 freeway headed home.”

“WHAT!!!! YOU LEFT ME?” “ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU LEFT ME!!!!”

“Kasey I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do, you wouldn’t leave the table and I asked several times….”

“I CANT BELIEVE YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…You actually left me, you left me alone, you dont care”

“KASEY I CARE!!!”

“NO YOU DONT!! you don’t fucking care, YOU LEFT ME, YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…..”

“KASEY I’m sorry I…..”

“You dont care!, when did you leave? why did you leave?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, deep down I kinda felt like i knew this would happen but i didn’t want to believe he was this bad in his addiction to not even remember the poker manager handing him his own keys to his room. I tried to explain to him but he wouldn’t have it.. The pain in his voice crushed me, I knew that pain, I had been there before many times, just wanting someone there when i was ready, someone to hold me or just someone there to let me know things would be okay. But he was right, I had left him, and I was now regretting it.

“I CANT BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME”… and with that he hung up the phone.

There was nothing i could do about it. I tried to call back but he didn’t answer. I was already an hour away from home and turning back would only mean i wasnt as healthy as I thought. I tried to remember what i was paying my therapist for and repeated the words as I cried my eyes out… “I am WORTHY of Good in my life, I do not have to be responsible for other’s happiness” but i couldn’t control it any longer when Eminems, I love the way you lie, song started playing on the radio, I totally lost it and had to pull over to the side of the road. I sat there in my car bawling. I hadn’t allowed myself to cry since my husband and i separated and here i was crying for my second time in less than 24 hours. Usually I would smoked a bowl to take the pain away but I was in public and there i was on the side of the road, hyperventilating… crying for a man i had met 13 days ago, crying for the decision i had made to leave him and the confusion of our companionship, crying for a broken marriage, crying for my past hurts, crying about the speeding ticket i just got, my bills that needed to be paid and crying for the fear of my future. Everything hit me at once…. Like a ton of bricks, i suddenly stopped, motionless and silent….

an hour later I was home.

LOVE the way you LIE

Written 8th July 2010

Man if the drinking wasnt enough to age someone than the cigarettes and gambling would do it, no problem. I couldn’t believe some night as Kasey and I came home he would ALWAYS make us walk around the poker room and “feel” out the tables and spectators.

Sometimes he did a circle and we left, other times Kasey knew how to get a crowed going and excited to lose money to him. Sometimes he played up a hand just to get the crowed talking in case there was a potential Blogger in the mix…. Ssssshhh  dont tell him =)

Yesterday was quite the fiasco as we went to eat at a Mexican restaurant then went to LAVO at the PALAZZO to meet with a “BIG DOG” Garren who was the male version of my stripper self but believed his own bullshit because he had been doing it so long… He was very attractive if you like the skinny type and had that brown “Costa Rica” tan along with pout lips and accent that could drive any Naive girl crazy if you didnt know any better.

My question though was ….”WHO THE HELL was the CRAZy ass white boy with HIM and WHY was he not in HAND CUFFS already?”

“LAYNE FLACK “- is how Kasey introduced him and I was a little embarrassed for him but oh so intrigued on what the hell he was on because i know, i have been addicted to glass for the last 7 months and would never dream of allowing myself to have “SUCH FREEDOM” in public. I think if i were to have read him I would say … He wasnt afraid to die and it fueled the courage to not care anymore about his public appearance, he’d “been there done that” and now he just didn’t “GIVE A FUCK” in the words of Mr FLack himself….lol

This was my first club where i got to take pictures from a red carpet and I felt a little special I will admit standing next to Kasey and his friends. I didn’t mind too much but the host must have made a mistake because Kasey looked pissed that there was not a table ready and waiting for his party especially since a “BIG DOG” was out to talk a little bit of Business with “K- DOG”….

Too crowded and too loud, we left and ended up at my second favorite place to end a night….  SAPPHIRES…

Man i was disappointed in the selection of bitches they had working but it gave me the opportunity to see that i was working for the most grade A, classy club in LV.

At first i didnt know what to think of LAYNE but then Kasey did what i had hoped he wouldnt and in front of everyone shared that Layne and I both have SEX and DRUG addictions that were on target for each other and as everyone else looked at me waiting for me to deny what Kasey was saying I had no reason to because it was all true. I was and am a METH addict, SEX addict and if you asked KASEY completely LOVE ADDICTED TO HIM.

Layne and I understood each other without talking and I suddenly saw thru his public display of Bullshit and realized it was his way of getting off in a world that was boring and un challenging for him. I knew what he felt like and even though i had not fallen off the deep end compared to his life…… Mine was on the way if i didn’t quit soon.

Later that night one thing led to another and Kasey, being the sweetheart he was, was pissed to hear someone talk shit and quickly everyone on his “payroll” was standing there next to him ready to fight. After what seemed like 45 minutes of  “Who’s COCK is Bigger” they separated and we only stayed a couple more minutes before taking off.

WE said our goodbyes and once in the room Kasey turned on the music and played; Love the Way you Lie by Eminem

I had never heard the song before and the beat just suddenly grabbed my attention but what had me frozen in my tracks were the lyrics and the intensity the song produced. Was he trying to tell me something? I know his ex was some beauty queen that he tells me wanted to marry him and had to let her go, but these lyrics were more like my situation.

The constant “Tug of War”

The constant “lies and arguments”

The tears and sweat.. Could Kasey possibly be going thru the same thing or did he understand what i needed to hear? Did he feel my pain?

When Kasey jumped into the shower I took that time to quickly pull out my friend of glass and inhaled the smoke that fogged my brain of  memories and hurtful events of the past. I know i had told him i was an addict but didnt speak much about it because it wasnt necessary for my addiction to become his problem and i knew when i was ready i would quit.

I wasnt expecting to have Kasey come out and want to speak about my addiction on a serious level. Funny he mentioned it considering i was on my last bowl and would need to re up soon but did not have a hook up in Vegas and did not know where to start. He told me I should quit and gave me the fatherly talk while holding his drink and cigarette close by. God, even as he laid there doing nothing but being a complete hypocrite i some how wanted him…. But he wouldnt touch me?

I couldnt beleive what i was hearing when he began to tell me that i needed to calm down with sex and realize i was a cool chick.

“Look Chanel, you have a cold sore on your mouth and you’re on your period, im not going to kiss you or fuck you, and im still asking you to stay” “you need to give yourself more credit and realize you are worth more…”

Truth was I had never had someone do this for me and never had someone stick to it and say it out loud. I believed in myself but slowley loss belief that any man could sleep with me without pressuring me into being with him. But there was Kasey-

I dont know how to begin explaining what this moment did for me or meant to me but being a woman in my position and coming out of a marriage that was based on our sexual relationship, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i wasnt worried about being defective or not being able to produce at the right time. It was all about me and for the first time i got to feel myself get horney when i wanted it and for reasons other than the fear of being given the “boot”. I think it made me look at the situation in a whole different light and im not sure I should have.

In line behind the Blackberry

Written 6th July 2010

I don’t know how to explain how completely annoying Kasey’s blackberry is when your trying to sleep and as soon as the rooster crows, there goes Kasey’s phone… Buzzz, buzzzz, buzzz buzz  zz buz

I woke up finally, and don’t know what i was thinking when i found myself awakening in the same position i feel asleep in, across his chest and feeling more secure and less alone for once in a long time. Then out of the blue,  OMG! I just remembered i was supposed to have checked out of my room and it was already 3pm in the afternoon. Kasey told me to calm down and ask them to extend the room.

Was he planning on paying for this mistake? I was too afraid to ask and showed back to my room with a nice 100 dollar charge for a night I would not be enjoying because Kasey had asked me to grab my stuff and help him occupy the room at ARIA and like that, i didnt even second guess it, i was back

I showed up and met him at the “Piano Bar” underneath the elevators and was also greeted by his driver “Houston” and “his woman” who were talking to Jen and Lee!! YAY!! some real company tonight… I was excited and with the notice that Jen and I were wearing the exact dress but accessorized differently we all had a laugh and began the night.

Im not sure how it happened or if it was inevitable after quickly downing two champagne cocktails, my new favorite drink, but as i looked at Kasey entertain his “friends” and try to bring life to a party that was only secretly existent because of the “NEED” for one another instead of the “want” i took notes at Kasey’s posture when he talked of certain things, his hand movements and tonight my eyes seemed to focus on his DICK!! God i wanted his dick… Or did I? Did i just need Dick? all I know is saying the word DICK three times in my head was enough to make my panties moist and I asked Kasey if he would excuse himself with me to run upstairs to the room to help me get my cell phone (that I really did conveniently forget .)

“Sure babe.”

As we walked into the room and I watched as Kasey grabbed my phone from the bed to hand it to me, I instinctively felt myself become My ADDICT and like an AMERICAN WAREWOLF in PARIS I grabbed his body to pull it close to mine, while making out I tore off his pants and moved my underwear aside.

Poor Kasey looked as if i had molested him but enjoyed every second of going back down stairs to brag about the 10 min “Pound town” adventure  we shared. I can hear Both Lee and Jen echoing “POUND TOWN, POUND TOWN” and as i adjusted my dress and walked behind Kasey to quickly kiss him on the neck, I had allowed MY ADDICT to get the best of me and i felt satisfied and accomplished.

Neither him nor I minded and it was a good start to a night that was about to go down hill for me quickly…

As other “friends” came to meet us and we took over the bar area it was the funniest thing to see this guy who called himself TOM come over and make friends with each of us explaining

“You know what sucks about you?””ABOSULTELY NOTHING”

It was funny at first but when he tried to stick his finger up Lees butt and drank a couple cocktails on our bill, poor MySpace Tom was elected to leave by a unanimous vote… you would have thought Obama entered the room as 4 guys in suites came and escorted his drunk ass down the stairs

We had a good laugh and have been enjoying our new pickup line of letting someone know that absolutely nothing sucks about them…..lol

Ive never had Dom Perrion before but at least 7 bottles were cracked as a “Big DOG” rolled in.

BIG DOG was my new name for people who were BIG HITTERS or INVESTORS in “KASEYNATION”. I always knew one when they showed up because the good stuff was always ready to be popped and Kasey Sobered up for the first 30 min they showed up, which was just long enough for someone else to take over for Kasey and Keep the BIG DOG company while Kasey lost himself in the liquor.

This “Dog” was interesting and he and I seemed to share a few familiar glances thru the night, like we had known each other and as we made our way to Jet at the Mirage I watched as we were given a table only 1 hour before they closed. Who goes to a night club at 2 in the morning? KaseyNation does!!!! If I sound a little upset to you, it’s because at this point I have lost all attention from Kasey and even tho my dress was attracting every other male in the world,  Kasey paid more attention to his blackberry, cigarettes and cocktail.

I decided to take the night into my own hands and say “Screw it” as i left my group to exhale the anxiety that was building inside of me. I let the air hover over the hands waved high into the air to the beat of the bass that was making my panties do a little dance….. Jen came over later that night and i explained to her i was going home in the morning and could not allow myself to be treated in such a way considering i was in therapy for LOVE, DRUG and SEX addiction and I could feel my unhealthy addict side wanting to take over and take control.

I felt neglected and used. I don’t get it? I really don’t fucking get it? Your not paying me…. but every night you ask me to stay another and don’t ask for sex and don’t kiss me or hold me and I feel like I’ve been elected to be your expensive LOUIE or CHANEL bad that sits ever so perfect on your arm but is silent and still when it is no longer of use because we all know that once a purse is shown to friends… It has already lost most of its excitement value to have in the first place or at least for the money you spent.

What im saying is WHAT THE HELL DO I NEED TO DO to get SOME ATTENTION AROUND HERE?????????

Kasey WHY DO YOU WANT ME? Dont be afraid but im starting to allow you on the side of my brain that wants to be here for you and clean up after you and make sure your tucked away at nights. If i was getting paid or used for sex at least I could distance myself from you emotionally. Its harder when nothing makes sense except to think you like me and have no idea how to be a good boyfriend because your busy trying to :Take OVER THE WORLD

Who’s Helping Who?

Written July 5th 2010

God, what am I doing? I was suppose to have kept him company and helped him see the good in life?? Is there still good in Life??
Am I still Good?
How can I show someone something I myself still have doubt in….
I’m so alone. Why do I do this to myself?
As I grab my friend to take away my pain of abandonment, I come to terms with myself in realizing, I will never live a lifestyle of fortune and fame because I cannot keep up with the demands of always acting like I’m of some kind of importance.
I am not
I can admit to it.
I don’t want to have responsibility of hundreds of lives or people
I want the responsibility of making one special person happy and maybe one day some children.
Is that Lame?
Is it Lame I don’t want a big career and tailored suites to match my office on the top floor of some fancy building with lots of windows that will constantly need cleaning?
I just want a Man
I just want to be loved
Well, maybe I don’t want that at all
Maybe I just want companionship
Someone to say they care, they’re here and if I die, they can be a testament to my life.