Back to our Roots

Next day after spending time with Kasey in LA, he needed to be in Las Vegas for Chris’s Girlfriends birthday party. I was a little hurt he knew i was leaving for Vegas that night as well and didnt ask me if I wanted to go with him and didnt want to drive with me. So I drove him to the air port and drove back to Newport beach where i live.

On my way up to Vegas I texted Kasey to see if he was planning on staying with me or if he had a hotel room. It was frustrating to get only sporadic texts from the guy and when he answered my texts, he never answered any of my questions. I was starting to really despise the guy, considering the promise he had made to pay my therapist was still not taken care of and he couldnt just call me to talk to me when im driving on the 15 freeway in the middle of the dark during a lightning storm. I realized like previously noticing, Kasey wasnt going to answer my texts regarding the hotel and I would need to book one of my own, so i did. I also told myself to give up on the Mother F^*$@r cause he was LAME and inconsistent and if he decides to hang out, cool, if not, i wasnt going to cry over the guy cause i was in Vegas and truth be told, I hadnt seen my Valet in a while and always knew i could call his fine ass up. Of course in Vegas, it was as much my territory as it was his and I had work to go to and things i needed to get done anyway.

One day turned to two and two into three and finally I received a text from Kasey that he wanted me to meet him at the bar Money Plays because he was speaking with a publisher in Vegas who liked some of my ideas regarding my “Strip club dos and donts” that I had previously shared with Kasey. So I jumped up and got dressed and meet him at the bar.

Publisher he was speaking of was none other than ANTHONY CURTIS. For those not familiar, he is the publisher of the Las Vegas Advisor, as well as a lot of other things and recently just published a couple of books regarding Strip Clubs in Las Vegas. He handed me the “manual” & asked my opinion of the facts that were printed and wanted to hear some of my ideas. I couldnt believe Kasey! What was he thinking? You dont give a girl a chance like this without warning her and at least giving her some time to think of what she wanted to say and how to say it. Also being the un-trusting business minded woman i was, i wasnt comfortable just telling anyone about my ideas so they could be published behind my back without any recognition.. Did he think i was stupid? So here I am at a bar pulling out my laptop and trying to share some of my thoughts without telling them everything, all the while trying to give them enough to be interested And not make Kasey look like a fool for having them take the time to hear me out. This was not an easy task and after they had left, i let out a sigh of relief.

It was nice to see Kasey at a familiar spot and it was like Deja Vu being back at our roots. We ate and Kasey let me know he was busy but would call me later…I had heard that before and wasnt going to hold my breath, so i decided I was going to go to Liquid to meet with Lauren (a girl we originally met at the Gold Lounge in Aria). I had saved a couple of keys from the time we were together and I was smart enough to save the tower suite key in case of emergencies. So i stayed at liquid and was enjoying myself but wishing I had company when I noticed a group of men in the pool couldnt stop staring at me.

I was bored and had nothing to lose so i walked up to them and started the conversation

“Hi Guys, I see you staring but no one is introducing themselves so i thought id come over and say Hi, My name is Chanel”

They chuckled and looked a little embarrassed but they helped me pass the time before i needed to go to work and with that, i tipped Lauren for all the free drinks and went back to Gold Coast to get ready for work. Ive been staying at Gold Coast for a while since I get rooms starting at 23 dollars a night and know the cute bartenders at TGIF. They hook me up with food and the valet always keep my car parked out front. It’s like a second home to me and it’s always nice to pull up to familiar faces. I was almost about to pull up to my hotel when Kasey decides to call and asks me to stop by his work. When i get there Anthony, Kasey and Silverfox are all enjoying some time discussing their business adventures and im a little embarrassed that once again Kasey does not tell me that Anthony will be there and I show up in my bikini and a pair of jeans. Yes, i am a dancer but I do not live the lifestyle and I know when to be a professional and this was the second time I felt like Kasey obviously didnt see that quality in me and chose to put me out there like nothing other than a stripper.

So im walking around Anthony’s office in a bikini and trying to hang out and understand what it is I am supposed to be doing when the beer finally runs out. This gave Kasey and Silverfox no other reason to stay and with that, Kasey’s bags go from Brett’s vehicle to the back of my car and over to the Gold Coast. We Settle in the room when he tells me that he wants to take me on a date and tells me that he will not call anyone else to meet up with us???????

WTF? I wanted to feel his forehead to make sure he didnt have a fever and then i wanted to feel my own to make sure i wasnt tripping cause everything was too perfect and as we decided to stay somewhat casual in blue jeans and nice shirts we escorted each other down the elevator and over to CORTEZ.

Kasey had been talking all night about how great their prime rib was and that it was a less expensive meal without downgrading the food. So we walked over to Cortez, when his mother calls. Now the relationship between him and his family our somewhat still a mystery to me cause frankly, the kid has problems and we are all a product of our environments so obviously whether or not his family was well off, in my opinion they must have had “problems”.  I didnt mind though cause my family was a work of “Art” and if i were to pick the painter it would defiantly be some sort of Picasso where you have no idea what the fuck the painting is trying to say or what exactly it is but somehow, someway you cant stop staring at it and cant decide if you like it or not. So i was no one to judge and I was about to keep myself company and pull out my own phone when i over here Kasey tell his mother he has to go because he’s on a date and cant talk now???????

WHOO, stop there!!! What did he just say to his mother???? A DATE? I mean its one thing for me to ask to go on a date with him and him oblige but it’s another to tell your mother your on a date unless, your really on a date, unless it was a good excuse to get your mother off the phone, but then would have to explain later when she asks about the date that it was really a way to hang up on her… Either way, I’m a love addict, remember? So I always make up shit in my head that usually sides with what i want to hear and I decided we were on a date.

Man, i wish i had secretly recorded the dinner we had. It was fucking AMAZING!!  I had a fucking blast just hearing Kasey talk about his family while doing impersonations of each one and telling personal details of his childhood mistakes and rebel ways. I mean really, this was exactly what i had wanted from him and I was sooo thrilled to be finally getting it. The food was terrific by the way and I think even with Kasey laughing at the prices for their most expensive bottle of wine, we both knew we were most comfortable in this type of setting. Relaxed, away from crowds, away from having to be the center of attention and away from having to pretend to be what we always had to be while working, “The Shit”. Nope, it was just him and I, blue jeans and shirt, prime rib, bread bowl and nice a bottle of red wine, I wouldnt have asked for it any other way. After we shared many laughs and exchanged some family stories we headed out. I was finishing a conversation regarding my work at the Rhino and explaining how it affected my husband…

“So, like I said, he could have asked me to quit anytime and thats all it would have taken for me to go out and get a different job, but he wouldnt because he was too spoiled living off of my money”

“So you’re saying you would have quit if he asked you?”

“Of course I would have.. he’s my husband”

then out of the blue ….

“Would you quit for me?”

WOooW…??!!! Huh.. did i just hear that…? (For the second time of the night) and I grab Kasey’s hand and stop dead in my tracks and turn him towards me so he is looking at me in my eyes

“Kasey look at me….If you want to make a commitment, i would quit if you asked”

“Really”

“Yes, really”

He looks at me for a second in my eyes and I get scared all the sudden. Maybe I was afraid of the answer, cause I would have been heart broken if he would have told me NO, and I wasnt sure if I was ready to give up my job to a man I felt I barely knew. Whatever it was i felt the situation needed some type of comic relief..

“So, you think about that one and you can get back to me…”

We both smile at one another and answers back

“Okay”

Did I make the right Decision

THIS POST IS THE ENDING TO

https://kaseynation.wordpress.com/2010/09/02/finally-leaving-the-dream

That’s all I could think about as I drove down the 15 freeway going 94 MPH and having no intention to slow down. I was confident in my decision while i was leaving but it was the fresh air and choice of songs that had me rethinking my decision to leave Kasey at Aria.

If I had met Kasey one year prior and I was single things would have been different. I was a lost, co dependent person. I have always been financially independent but Co dependent on men for internal happiness. If I wasnt taking care of a man I felt like half a woman. I know the weak Chanel would have stayed and taken all the bull crap, sacrificing my own needs for his and waiting for him to respect me. I know this because, until a year ago I had  been doing this routine with my husband. Since meeting my husband I have been completely infatuated with him. I have no problem with men approaching me but I seem to look for a very distinctive quality, and will “Latch” on if I sense it. I “Latched” to my husband and didn’t let go. I did everything for him, and nothing for myself. I paid for everything; rent , bills, cars, cameras, vacations… you name it. Sometimes I worked two jobs to make sure we were comfortable.

Side Note- I haven’t always been a stripper and only went back to stripping after being laid off from Toyota and after my husband asked me to, so we could put a nice down payment on a condo.

Ill learned from my stepfather that you did what it took to make sure your family was comfortable and sacrificing my needs for others was in blood. Sometimes i worked 75 hours a week to provide a lifestyle that was comfortable for the both of us. He never had to worry about not having money because he knew i would take care of it. I had no friends, and never went out. Most days I enjoyed cleaning, cooking, and making sure i was cleaned up in time to put on a sexy outfit for him to enjoy. On my days off i worked out for hours making sure my body was in tip-top shape, hoping that would keep him around. I got him to marry me to say the least but he never stuck around. He was constantly lying to me and cheating (or at least he says trying to). Funny thing was… I was happy. I mean not deep deep down inside, but when i wasnt trying to think that far down, I was happy. I was addicted to being hurt and being walked on and was just happy having someone in my life.

What does this have to do with Kasey?

As I walked into my first therapy session with my SA, NA and LA counselor I remember the last question she asked me as I poured down tears of helplessness.

“What Chanel, Do you want to accomplish by meeting with me and hopefully achieve in your life?”

I thought long and hard and answered

“I want to no longer be addicted to pain, and I want to be strong enough to leave the people who hurt me and all unhealthy relationships in my life, including my husband if he doesnt get help”

Since that day, I have read book after book and done exercise after excercise strengthening my awareness of self and giving me the necessary tools i need to get healthy.

Watching Kasey “black out” at poker tables and drink himself into a coma every night, was screaming UNHEALTHY to my “improved self” . But I am and will always be a caretaker at heart, and my co dependent self was wondering if i should turn my car around and help Kasey through his addiction. He had encouraged the end of mine and I made a promise i knew i could keep. He even allowed me to be “my addict” and other than puppy eyes, didnt leave me. I remember the nights I sobered up and just wanted someone to be by my side. But I was getting healthy and I no longer wanted to be attracted to men who were addicts or in need of someone to take care of them. I wanted to be taken care of. It was my turn and I for the first time in my life I felt the most deserving of it.

I quickly called my counselor and started hyperventilating and cried while explaining to her my predicament

“Dr Tracy, you dont understand, he needs someone there, I feel like i should have stayed and been there for him. Every addict wants someone who understands and is there for them, I feel like i should turn around….”

“Chanel, has he called you?”

“No he doesnt even realized I left, Hes completely in his addict and blacked out, but i know when he walks up to the room he will be surprised i left”

“Chanel, you need to take care of yourself, but I also understand…..

At that moment I looked in my mirror to find Flashing Red and blue lights. Yes, I was getting pulled over and knew that Barstow cops were not going to let me get away with talking on my cell phone while speeding past Lenwood at 93 mph. I couldn’t find my Id to make matters worse and needed to call Kasey to see if I had left it. You wont believe it but its true when i tell you that Kasey answered his phone asking me why i needed my ID and hadn’t yet walked away from the poker table. He was trying to get me to tell the cop his attorneys name and at that moment i disconnected the line realizing i was getting nowhere with him. After given the ticket I called back my counselor to explain to her

“Tracy, Im not sure what it is….. Im healthier than i have ever been but with all the unhealthy he brings, it only compliments my unhealthy” “He’s not addicted to drugs or sex and doesn’t like being alone, I have a problem spending money on myself and he does that perfectly fine, hes smart and witty, extremely fun and attractive. His smile lights up a room and when he does this little dance where he raises his arms and moves his head side to side, i melt. I like that i can talk to him about all my problems and he doesn’t seem to judge, and he actually teaches me things and doesn’t need me to support him. He hasn’t put me down or said anything but positive stuff about me to others and I like that someone wanted me around as much as I wanted to be around. I never felt like i was suffocating him or invading his space… You know its nice when two people dont like being alone because its like a constant companionship instead one person feeling like they are too “needy”.”

“Well, Chanel, I do think your problems compliment each other, but his addictions seem to be overtaking him more than yours. You are very strong-willed and stubborn which helps you keep yourself in check” “Maybe you should call him ”

No seconds later was Kasey on the other line….

“Where are you!!!!???”

“What do you mean Kasey? Im on the 15 freeway headed home.”

“WHAT!!!! YOU LEFT ME?” “ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU LEFT ME!!!!”

“Kasey I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do, you wouldn’t leave the table and I asked several times….”

“I CANT BELIEVE YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…You actually left me, you left me alone, you dont care”

“KASEY I CARE!!!”

“NO YOU DONT!! you don’t fucking care, YOU LEFT ME, YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…..”

“KASEY I’m sorry I…..”

“You dont care!, when did you leave? why did you leave?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, deep down I kinda felt like i knew this would happen but i didn’t want to believe he was this bad in his addiction to not even remember the poker manager handing him his own keys to his room. I tried to explain to him but he wouldn’t have it.. The pain in his voice crushed me, I knew that pain, I had been there before many times, just wanting someone there when i was ready, someone to hold me or just someone there to let me know things would be okay. But he was right, I had left him, and I was now regretting it.

“I CANT BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME”… and with that he hung up the phone.

There was nothing i could do about it. I tried to call back but he didn’t answer. I was already an hour away from home and turning back would only mean i wasnt as healthy as I thought. I tried to remember what i was paying my therapist for and repeated the words as I cried my eyes out… “I am WORTHY of Good in my life, I do not have to be responsible for other’s happiness” but i couldn’t control it any longer when Eminems, I love the way you lie, song started playing on the radio, I totally lost it and had to pull over to the side of the road. I sat there in my car bawling. I hadn’t allowed myself to cry since my husband and i separated and here i was crying for my second time in less than 24 hours. Usually I would smoked a bowl to take the pain away but I was in public and there i was on the side of the road, hyperventilating… crying for a man i had met 13 days ago, crying for the decision i had made to leave him and the confusion of our companionship, crying for a broken marriage, crying for my past hurts, crying about the speeding ticket i just got, my bills that needed to be paid and crying for the fear of my future. Everything hit me at once…. Like a ton of bricks, i suddenly stopped, motionless and silent….

an hour later I was home.

I dont want to come back down from this Cloud

from chem2judy@verizon.net to channelno.5@gmail.com date Tue, Jul 13, 2010 at 5:47 PM subject from gma mailed-by verizon.net

My darling grandaughter,

Irresponsible is not the word I would use to describe your current behavior.

Everyone, yes, everyone goes through periods in their life when it feels as though nothing is going right and that life in general has just smacked you in the face. Yes, you do have decisions to make and it would be good for you to start taking stock  and making a few. Partying at 5 star hotels with people you barely know, for days on end, is more than irresponsible, it’s dangerous. In more ways than one. You are deliberately making poor choices, and as an adult, you need to accept responsibility for this and not pass the blame on to a failed marriage, a bad childhood or anything else. Drugs, partying, other men, it doesn’t matter, you need to wake up and deal with you. Ask yourself what you need to do in order to tie up loose ends in your real world and get back on track with the rest of your life.. Call your counselor, contact Tim in a civil and adult manner to see what needs to be done in order for you both to move on. Go back to work, if you still have a job. (I had no idea that Miller Lite girls danced on table tops in VIP rooms)

BE A CLASS ACT.

I would suggest you start by sending a text back to Tim. Start by thanking him him for letting you know he has filed and for asking you about the scrapbooks. Explain that you havn’t contacted him because you realized that you both needed some space and time away. Tell him your sorry things didn’t work out and wish him well.  Don’t become a drama queen. If you want the scrapbooks, we will keep them for you, until later on when you decide what you want to do with them. Give him your PO box and ask him to mail them and let you know how much the postage will be. You can mail him a money order. If you will behave in an adult manner with this, on down the road, you will be able to be friends.

Thank your friend for all the good times and leave while your still friends so that if later, you want to go back, you will be comfortable contacting him. If you wait until he’s tired of you, you won’t have that option.

Come home, clean up, then you can take your gma to lunch at the beach  for her belated birthday gift. I don’t want to to go out to eat with you until you are off your drugs. It’s painful for me to see you like that.

I was taught that you “don’t air your dirty linen in public”. I believe that. You need to to take all that personal stuff off of your blog, facebook, whatever. That is not for the world to see. That is for you, your counselor and 30 years from now a book if you write it. But not now should it be out for public display. That is drama queen. jerry springer, trailer trash,, pick your own name. Again. BE A CLASS ACT.

I love you and listen to what I’m telling you,

gma

xxxxxxxoooooo

from chem2judy@verizon.net to      channelno.5@gmail.com

I guess I really rambled-lol

bottom line-you do need at home time, away from where your at, to get a perspective on where you are and where your headed. You do need to keep your job. It’s very important to have some financial independence. Remember how you have felt regarding Tim and his lack of financial contribution. In today’s world, a woman who is willing to work and can take care of herself is an asset in a relationship.

Next-ask yourself if you were to suddenly find out he (Kasey) no longer had any money if you would still want to see him and then use your answer to decide what type of a relationship you have now or would have a month or 6 months on down the road.

He entertains these people as part of his business and is probably already thinking what his next business moves will be in order to stay financially solvent and get ahead in the magazine business which is risky.

Be honest with yourself and with him.

xxxxxxxxxoooooooo

gma

We arrive at XS

written July 5th 2010

As we walked up to the overly crowded line, I noticed as Kasey was shaking hands with familiar faces and excited prospects…..

He was so confident! Even though he was starting to look a little tired and drunk he never missed a beat. It was almost as if he was acting drunk to keep people on their toes. I knew better than to drink heavily that nice since i needed to be on my best behavior for Kasey and his business transactions and so I could trust myself to look out after myself.

Ill never understand girls who get sloppy at work and then have issues trusting. If you can’t trust yourself to stay sober in situation where you need to be on a look out, how can you trust anyone else? Kasey grabbed my hand and we were escorted ahead of the line and next thing i knew we were in front of what seemed like a sea of thousands of people dancing on the floor, reminding me of what I had been missing these last 6 years. See i was a dancing Queen… I mean i love to dance the way people like to breathe. I couldn’t wait to finally get a bottle so Kasey would join me on the dance floor, but that was not in the plans, i was soon to find out.

It was so crowded that it almost turned me off to dancing. It’s not fun when you can’t move and guys are getting cheap feels of you from every direction. Also not fun to turn your head for one second to find the party you were with missing. I mean i really wasnt gone that long.

I had to take a moment to breathe because i felt a wave of anxiety come over me while i watched everyone interact and be who they wished they actually were for the  night. It was really pathetic and places such as the one we were at, no matter how many people may be in attendance can suddenly overcome me with a sense of extreme Loneliness and suddenly i felt the urge to call my husband.

SIDE NOTE- My husband and I have been together for 6 yea, married for almost 3 and have been living separately for 4 months, but the relationship went sour last July after I caught him trying to cheat on me. I secretly hate the man but as I explain in my blog www.A8noezwaout.wordpress.com I have a severe fear of abandonment which fuels my love, sex and drug addiction. Do i miss my husband? NO, i miss the companionship and having someone to come home to. Am i sad we are divorcing? NO, I’m sad i wasn’t mature enough to pick someone more appreciative of the love i give and I’m disappointed I’m losing my marriage. Like a ladies Virginity, once you give it, its gone……..

I didnt want Kasey to see so i stepped away from our table for a moment. Husband – No answer, but i figured as much and it was nice to hear his voice thru the answering machine, even if he was a dick, i still missed his presence in my life.

Valet Guy answered and he was shocked to hear me speaking to him from a club.

“I thought you were coming to work tonight?”

“No, not tonight, i was paid to hang out with the group that came into work last night”

I could tell my Valet was a little shocked since I was mostly ” talk” when it came to following thru with ideas or thoughts i had regarding “work” on the outside. But there i was, calling him from a crowded club feeling nothing but loneliness when i should have been having the time of my life. I quickly went back to the table to find it empty and everyone gone. No biggie i thought and i decided to search the tables for a familiar face. Boy was I about to find out how big XS was when i reached the outside garden to find a massive pool with tables for black jack and poker surrounding the outside and waterfalls creating a tranquil scene.

And so the Search BEGAN…..

Two Hours later and 4 different phone numbers from other tables wanting to hang out with me, I was exhausted from circling the place and my eyes were sore from squinting. I still saw no sign of Kasey or his friends and I actually started questioning why i even agreed to the night. As soon as I was about to leave i received a text message on my phone, it stated “WHere are you?”

It was Kasey and several texts later i was back with my group drinking my first glass of Crystal champagne, and thinking quietly to myself

“This stuff tastes no different from the cheap stuff?”

Kasey seemed genuinely worried for me and had me sit down next to him to explain to me who everyone was in our party that I had not met previously…. millionaires everywhere was the short description and besides Paris Hilton‘s uncle (Who was being quite inappropriate by hitting on me in front of Kasey)

everyone was really nice to me and respectful. As a matter of fact i took a second to take it “All in” and thought about how lucky i was to have met these people and Kasey because I was a nobody. I also felt a little embarrassed I did not know who anyone was. I stopped watching TV when i turned 16 and for the most part only watched infomercials at night when i couldnt sleep. Kasey was getting a kick out of having to explain to me who certain people “were” and I was hoping no one was offended and felt special he actually thought it was important to introduce me to everyone. I’m not saying i don’t deserve to meet people, but people of high status don’t usually waste their time on meeting people who wont benefit them in some way in the future (At least that is a personal observation of mine) and unless they wanted a good lap dance in the VIP of the Rhino, I was of no use. So here i was drinking Crystal, enjoying good company, looking hott and all the while getting paid. I felt very fortunate and remember looking up at the sky to say “Thank you”

I tried to get Kasey’s attention to pull him onto the dance floor but he was busy interacting for his future. At this point I got sleepy and just as i was about to lay my head down, Kasey sits besides me and asks me how im enjoying the scene. He’s looking at me in my eyes and the sincerity in his voice is real. I ask him to dance but he politely turns me down and as i lay my head on his lap to rest my eyes he moves the hair from around my ears and asks me if Im not feeling well….. I found it cute that he thought i was drunk because I hadnt finished my glass of champagne sitting on the table in front of us and hadnt finished a drink all night . I told him I was tired and he asked me to please not sleep at the club because he was afraid someone might think he drugged me or that he was taking advantage of me.

I was soo tired and disappointed that i remember giving a little attitude back at him while i told him how i was tired and just wanted to rest my head.On the inside i was thinking “Who does this guy think he is…? As if the club is watching our every move…No one cares about us..” (I was soon to find out i was wrong)

“If you want to leave, we can leave now?”

“No Kasey, I’m not going to tell you to leave if you need to be with these people and finish your business. Im just tired and if you’re not going to dance with me, then i don’t want to dance”

“I’m sorry im not dancing but if I do, you will understand why I’m not”

“Why not?, i saw you in the VIP the other night and you looked so sexy and at peace…. like you were enjoying life and not worrying about what transaction you needed to make or person you needed to attend to, you were just doing it for you.”

It was with that comment that he turned and looked at me with big eyes and I took notice at how blue they were, why i hadn’t noticed before, i don’t know, but they seemed to look into my soul and he smiled a half-smile and said
“let’s go”.

We left the club and as I was about to go my own way, I noticed how drunk he had gotten all the sudden as he walked diagonally down the carpet. “Kasey are you Okay?”

“I’m FiyNe “, He managed to mumble to me with one hand holding a drink and the other, his black berry and cigarette. I felt the need to make sure he got somewhere safe and asked him if he was planning on taking a cab back to the Hard Rock where my vehicle was parked valet. He said No and told me WE were staying at the Wynn for the night and he would get his driver to pick us up in the morning to head back to the Hard Rock for a meeting or conference he had scheduled.

Why did i say Yes? Why did I not contest or ask for my own room? Why did i suddenly have the urge to nurture this man?

I couldn’t believe as we were riding the elevator upward to our room that he forked out 300 dollars for  only a couple of hours since it was 5am and check out was 11am? What kind of money did this guy have? The room was gorgeous and the view was sensational. The Rivera offered a free fridge, which always excited me when booking reservations for a 40 dollar room and this guy walks up as I’m enjoying the sunrise and says he’s disappointed the rooms arent bigger and would have booked the tower suites if they were available?I open the mini bar to see my favorite drinks, COKE and ORANGE JUICE, and quickly ask him if its Okay to have one?

“Are you serious Babe?” “Are you really asking me if its Okay to have an Orange Juice?”

“Yes?…. Whats wrong, What did I do?

I really didn’t want to take advantage and didn’t know how much they charged for an Orange Juice but didn’t want to upset him when he found out it was over priced, because from my experience, they always are.

“You can have anything out of that fridge you want” he said

I felt privileged but slightly aprehensive and thanked him for the orange juice as he threw off his clothes and laid in bed. I will admit I felt a little weird getting into the same bed but was exhausted and he had made me feel so comfortable, i didn’t think I would have to worry….I also felt so guilty since i hadn’t really slept with anyone else besides my husband and the Valet guy.

I crawled in and instantly he rolled over and held me….. I thought i would feel weird or intruded on, but it was the strangest feeling of familiarity and comfort, like we had slept together before? I fell asleep feeling safe and enjoying the moment.

Did we have SEX?

I think its more interesting to think about how incredibly sexy it was waking up to him “playing” with me and feeling my own wetness as he slid it in.

Maybe this was not interesting to you but to me, it meant everything. I had been fucking the Valet for over two months, and couldn’t produce any wetness. I’m ashamed to be admitting it but its true. The whole reason why i even continued to sleep with him was to have someone in my life and because he was hotter than hell. I mean this Valet guy caught my attention from day one and should have been modeling for a Calvin Klein underwear add somewhere but in the bedroom I just couldn’t produce.

Here’s Kasey…. half way awake, still Half drunk, Hair sticking straight up and Tommy Bahama shirt laying next to us, and I was Hornier than ever???

He had his “driver” pick us up and take us to his hotel to change before we arrived at the Hard Rock. I was shocked to learn he didn’t know how to Iron and asked me if I would do the honors. As i begin to iron a more suitable sexy black shirt i began to get nervous at my abilities…

Why am I nervous? Why do i suddenly feel insignificant and unworthy? Why am i worried about making sure this is the best iron job he’s ever had?”

We talked while i ironed and I enjoyed our conversations. Kasey was smart, something else i wasnt use to in men and I liked that he understood and even went along elaborating on some of my questions and humored me with my thoughts and ideas. I had never had that in my relationship with my husband since any idea that was different from my husbands was considered to be “an argument” and i gave up on wanting to “shoot the shit” with him by conversation.

The shirt was done and just in time for me to see Kasey walk out of the bathroom wearing nice fitted black slacks, nice belt, loafers complimented by bare feet and No shirt showing off his tanned body. My GOD! why hadn’t I taken notice this morning at how sexy he actually was. Most likely because I was not a morning person and too worried about the way I looked to care. But there he was… You would never have guessed he had a body underneath his Bahama shirt and horrible posture.

“Jesus, Kasey… you have a good body that i would have never of noticed”

“I know, it’s not that bad, i just have horrible posture”

“Seriously you should work on it, you would have double the women to “shoo off” if they could tell you had a nice stomach and great tan.”

He chuckled and said

“I don’t have problems getting women, I have problems with my posture”

He thanked me for ironing his shirt and as we walked out of the hotel, i suddenly wanted more of him. He looked 10 years younger and his confidence again drew me in like bait on a hook. I didn’t want to show my infatuation and wasnt sure why i liked this guy but was suddenly intrigued about his lifestyle and wanted to know more about this man who seemed to be a legend in his own mind. I felt like he acted as if the world was on his shoulders and needed to always be figuring something out to save the world. To be Honest, I couldnt remember what he did for a living and only remember him telling me he created a program on the computer that allowed him to start his career at an early age. I also knew he was in the works of buying a VERY LARGE brand/company (will keep secret until publicly announced) and introducing new concepts. All I knew is that whatever it was he did, required a ton of blackberry to ear time and taxi thumbs to text message.  I mean he was my age practically and was walking with a bag full of clothes that probably cost more than my Toyota Yaris. He had young guys on a Pay Roll, just to pick him up, and anywhere we went, his name seemed to get him what he needed, but i still had no clue who “he was”…… Half of me hated him just for being able to use his name for personal gain when the rest of society would have been told “no” or “please wait”. I mean seriously did this guy ever take care of himself? It was a turn off to think he probably didn’t know how to drive because he didn’t have to (Found out it was because the one time he did drive, he was pulled over and charged). But the other half wanted more… wanted to understand his life and his ways. The other half wanted to pick his brain and understand where the difference lied in us…

1OO0.00 dollars cash was given to me before he walked off. I almost didn’t want to accept it. I wanted him to understand that something about last night was intoxicating and i didn’t know how to get him to take notice in me, when I’m sure he figured I was with him for status or money…. Or did he?

I took the money and thanked him for a great night.

How did I get here?

Originally written 002010-07-08T15:11:14.896-07:00 but has since been Edited

I’ve been asking myself this question for the last 4 days and still no answer sits before me.
Where is here? I don’t have the answer to that question either.
Somewhere between “ home” and a hotel room of a man I just met a little over 72 hours ago.

Image via Wikipedia

What am I getting out of this? What do I want out of this? What does he see in me? So much doubt and pain. Do I stay or do I go?

“Go” is what my therapist would probably say if I hadn’t skipped the last two sessions I had scheduled with her.

“Stay” is what I am doing, whether out of loneness, boredom, curiosity, or intrigue, here I am. I was bound to find myself in this type of situation sooner or later considering I’ve been spiraling out of control for the last 4 months. I’d like to say I prepared for a moment in time like this but in the last 6 years; my imagination has been drained of its confidence to blow up the once optimistic giant balloons in my head.

As it got closer to the end I could feel it in my stomach but my heart would not let go and has yet to completely… I never thought it would end this way. Has it even ended?

My husband never said another word after coming home from a work event and leaving me a text message as he exited the plane.

“I went out Thursday to the hotel bar with Stephen and nick and we had a few drinks with a few girls, I talked to this girl Sydney for awhile. Got her number and wanted to go out with her Friday. I would have slept with her if the opportunity arose but it didn’t. We didn’t go to Friday either. The point is I would have done it and that really shows me that I don’t care about the relationship anymore. I even masturbated every morning and night from Wednesday on after we talked. This what’s on my mind and is why I wanted to have a serious talk with u about our future. I don’t know if there is any hope for one. I feel confused but to be honest it was nice not talking to u the last two days. It was a relief, lonely sometimes but a relief”

After receiving that text I guess I told myself that letting him know how much I missed him and loved him was pointless. The longest I have ever been able to hold back from my husband was two days… maybe…
But it’s been a month and still no reconciliation.
He’s tried several times to call and has texted but only to let me know that he took me off our credit card accounts and that I no longer have car insurance and owe him money for some of the remaining balances.
I was hoping he might have it in him to text me a simple… “Miss you”
What was I thinking? My husband as always been the more stubborn one and the one to usually win because I knew my love for him was not about who was right or wrong but about honesty.
But I’ve done it. I’ve managed not to call or answer his calls and what has come of it….
I wasn’t expecting to meet him at work that night nor did I think much after meeting him. But it was when we hung out one night, when I should have been working, that he reeled me in.
For the sake of his privacy and because I am tired of hearing it, I will not name names. But so you can understand and keep up with my blogs mentally it’s important for you to know that he says he’s very well known in the world of Poker and I can vouch, also the Hotels of Las Vegas.
This means nothing to me, since I don’t watch poker and could care less if the room came with a box of complimentary Zeno cigars. I also couldn’t care less about all the celebrities he’s best friends with or the fact that he carries a black Amex in his pocket next to the couple grand in cash for an emergency throw down,  only if, However, he comes across a table he feels is ”lucky” or at least entertaining.
I didn’t know what to think of the first night since I was promised payment for taking the night off of work (no talk of sex, ever) and didn’t know if I was even attracted to this man who looked to be 48 in his Tommy Bahamas shirt, silk pants, followed by loafers and brilliantly complimented by bare feet. (He originally told me he couldn’t afford socks)
He didn’t care what age people thought he was, or if they liked him. He knew for his age (33) that he had accomplished more in his short time than most people will ever accomplish in their lifetime. I couldn’t tell you what his “net worth” was or how profitable his career had made him. God, I couldn’t even tell you what he did for work…. but it doesn’t really matter.
What mattered was my reasoning for seeing him the next night for free when I knew my bank account was running low since I moved into my new apartment a couple weeks before

Before I knew it, one night turned into another and another and now I’m still here, blogging about the last 4 nights. I knew I was not the kind to care about money since my husband was a pizza boy delivery man when I had met him and the guy I was fooling around with to pass time, a valet at my work. So what was it about this man who drank too much and neglected my existence in public that I was drawn to?

Maybe it was his big heart or ballsy confidence. Maybe it was the way he held me in the middle of the nights or the way he listened to me when I explained to him how lonely I had felt the nights before when he left me in a crowd of “rich groupies”.  Maybe it was the fact that his ex was a crowned pageant winner and his ex before that a famous underwear model, But I highly doubt it.
What could I possibly offer this man?
What could he possibly see in me?
I was a “nobody”. Just a dancer he had met 72 hours prior. In the middle of the VIP room as he paid for several girls to grind on the top of his “Financial Friends” laps, he politely asked me to sit and talk to him? As I sat and talked with him trying to get what I could out of him to keep him attracted and to keep my entertained I suddenly could tell deep inside he was lonely. I knew from previous customers who enter the club that most “wealthy” people were secretly lonely. They all had tons of acquaintances but lacked “real” friends.
. I watched him get drunker and drunker all the while making sure his “friends” were having the times of their lives, each girl working to keep each other entertained and looking at me with envy. “Why are they just talking” “Maybe he knows her”…I could hear the whispers thru the air that started to smell like a combination of mans’ cologne, self tanner and sweaty pussy.
I didn’t care what they thought. After given 1200.00 dollars each, I was pulled away as I was about to exit the curtain.
“Would you like to come over? We can order everything on the menu in my hotel room and just take one bite of everything and watch a movie”….
I couldn’t help but think that was the cutest pick up line ever, even though I also knew it was a sneaky way to get me into his room.
If it wasn’t for someone stealing my identity and setting off my credit card fraud alert I may have ended up in his room that morning, but after several phone calls made to my bank and social security departments, I wasn’t in the mood to be “friendly” with anyone. I thought he would be upset, but instead invited me out that night and paid me for taking the time off work.
Now I’m sitting here blogging about my first night while watching him nap off a couple bottles of Dom and Crystal that was surely ordered during his “business” meetings earlier. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing during these moments but I find myself wanting to crawl up beside him and tuck his hair behind his ear and lightly kiss his forehead.
I thought for sure I would have been gone two days ago after the night I had gotten dressed up from head to toe only to be ignored most of the night. How was I supposed to get this guys attention. I mean try and understand he was constantly making business transactions even when you thought he was just enjoying a quick laugh with an old friend and toasting with a glass of the most expensive champagne.
Disappointment came when I was quick to learn he was not big on PDA and rightfully so since at any moment there could very possibly be a blog written about him or a picture taken that could ruin everything he has worked so hard to achieve…… (Gotta love the power of blogs)
But I was lonely. Not only lonely but confused and needed some type of affirmation as to why he was asking me to stay. At times I felt I was re enacting the movie “Pretty Women” and at other times I felt I was once again filling my head with thoughts that would later only disappoint myself. Maybe I was being too serious and quick to judge. Maybe I was longing for something or someone to take my mind off the husband I had left in California.
The next morning after feeling completely laughed at… I told him I was leaving and explained to him my need for public affirmation and attention. I thought he would have sent me home that second but instead he smiled and asked me to stay another night and this time when I got dressed up and left with him to meet some business associates and friends we were arm in arm and he made sure to tell me several times how pretty I looked. But it didn’t even stop there… He made sure to kiss me several times during the night continued to hold my hand and looked out for me instead of asking one of his body guards to keep me company. Talk about improvement, I was married and couldn’t get that type of effort from a man I was able to offer more to. I’ve never seen such change within one night. Was this really all for me? Did I really deserve this extra effort and treatment?
My therapist would say “Yes” if I allowed her to council and hadn’t missed the last two sessions I scheduled with her prior. I would still be convincing myself “No” if it wasn’t actually happening as I type this.
My Brain is telling my heart: I’m not stunningly beautiful, nor am I ugly
I’m smart but carry no degree or detailed plan for my future
I could clean like a hired Mollymaid but did/do not like to cook
I make my own money but do it through ways that were frowned upon
What could this guy possibly want with me?
Why have I not driven home? I feel like my world is out of whack. He just doesn’t understand how I could be feeling because to him life revolves around his Outlook calendar and the hotels in each nearby city are his home