I dont want to come back down from this Cloud

from chem2judy@verizon.net to channelno.5@gmail.com date Tue, Jul 13, 2010 at 5:47 PM subject from gma mailed-by verizon.net

My darling grandaughter,

Irresponsible is not the word I would use to describe your current behavior.

Everyone, yes, everyone goes through periods in their life when it feels as though nothing is going right and that life in general has just smacked you in the face. Yes, you do have decisions to make and it would be good for you to start taking stock  and making a few. Partying at 5 star hotels with people you barely know, for days on end, is more than irresponsible, it’s dangerous. In more ways than one. You are deliberately making poor choices, and as an adult, you need to accept responsibility for this and not pass the blame on to a failed marriage, a bad childhood or anything else. Drugs, partying, other men, it doesn’t matter, you need to wake up and deal with you. Ask yourself what you need to do in order to tie up loose ends in your real world and get back on track with the rest of your life.. Call your counselor, contact Tim in a civil and adult manner to see what needs to be done in order for you both to move on. Go back to work, if you still have a job. (I had no idea that Miller Lite girls danced on table tops in VIP rooms)

BE A CLASS ACT.

I would suggest you start by sending a text back to Tim. Start by thanking him him for letting you know he has filed and for asking you about the scrapbooks. Explain that you havn’t contacted him because you realized that you both needed some space and time away. Tell him your sorry things didn’t work out and wish him well.  Don’t become a drama queen. If you want the scrapbooks, we will keep them for you, until later on when you decide what you want to do with them. Give him your PO box and ask him to mail them and let you know how much the postage will be. You can mail him a money order. If you will behave in an adult manner with this, on down the road, you will be able to be friends.

Thank your friend for all the good times and leave while your still friends so that if later, you want to go back, you will be comfortable contacting him. If you wait until he’s tired of you, you won’t have that option.

Come home, clean up, then you can take your gma to lunch at the beach  for her belated birthday gift. I don’t want to to go out to eat with you until you are off your drugs. It’s painful for me to see you like that.

I was taught that you “don’t air your dirty linen in public”. I believe that. You need to to take all that personal stuff off of your blog, facebook, whatever. That is not for the world to see. That is for you, your counselor and 30 years from now a book if you write it. But not now should it be out for public display. That is drama queen. jerry springer, trailer trash,, pick your own name. Again. BE A CLASS ACT.

I love you and listen to what I’m telling you,

gma

xxxxxxxoooooo

from chem2judy@verizon.net to      channelno.5@gmail.com

I guess I really rambled-lol

bottom line-you do need at home time, away from where your at, to get a perspective on where you are and where your headed. You do need to keep your job. It’s very important to have some financial independence. Remember how you have felt regarding Tim and his lack of financial contribution. In today’s world, a woman who is willing to work and can take care of herself is an asset in a relationship.

Next-ask yourself if you were to suddenly find out he (Kasey) no longer had any money if you would still want to see him and then use your answer to decide what type of a relationship you have now or would have a month or 6 months on down the road.

He entertains these people as part of his business and is probably already thinking what his next business moves will be in order to stay financially solvent and get ahead in the magazine business which is risky.

Be honest with yourself and with him.

xxxxxxxxxoooooooo

gma

Money play$ on the 4th

Who called who first? I don’t remember..

I wish i did. I only remember coming back from work very depressed and sitting in front of my computer, staring, at what? I have no clue… But i was stuck. I wanted to get up so bad and go to that party that everyone was asking me if Id be there. I felt wanted for the first time in a long time.I didn’t care if they were only asking because i was one of the biggest tippers in the club. I just didn’t want to do what i always did, Nothing. I get all dressed up to go out and show off and i end up sitting in front of my computer just starring into space.

What’s important is that we talked (or texted) and Kasey wanted to see me again. Im not sure why I wanted to skip work to see him again since he was so different and we had nothing in common from what i could tell besides being addicts and an “uncanny” way of attracting people to ourselves.  I got dressed and was a little disappointed with myself as i counted some money to put into my wallet for the night. I had been in Vegas for almost a week and barely had enough money to pay my rent when i got home. I didnt care and as i pulled up to ARIA valet I stepped into a realm of fantasy and Fun. I went up to his room where I stepped into my DESTINY, each step counting and each step for a purpose ending in Darkness. As i waited for him to finish I peered down at the pools glistening in the darkness and could only imagine how beautiful it would be at sunrise and sunset . I looked over at the massive bed and instantly knew I wanted to wake up where he was, in his room, and just Run Away….

He told me i looked hot and we began a night by jumping into the car of some of the coolest fricking people i have ever met. Seriously, I never knew I could like a couple as much as I liked these two.

Jennifer- The girl who played Jan in the Brady Bunch Movie

and her fantastic husband

Lee- Producer of reality shows

Together they equaled one BIG FUCKING BALL OF AWESOMENESS and felt at home, even though i was 300 miles away. Why were they so awesome. Besides being very open about how imperfect they were and how much they didnt give a rats ass if they were “defective” they made me feel at home with all my flaws, hidden and open.

We ended up at some mansion party in the hills of Henderson. It was gated and I had never been to a community where the gate must take a picture of the vehicles license plate before entering. The houses didn’t seem any more special than the new houses they have built-in Corona CA. You know that “Cookie Cutter”, high vaulted ceiling look, with the waterfall connected to the stone pool. Yeah, Thats what this place was with two exceptions….

1) It had the most spectacular view of the strip that gave it a feel the strip was made for the house instead of the opposite.

2) “Famous” people actually were standing in the backyard of this place doing what Famous people do… talk about themselves and all their accomplishments…

Okay that was kinda rude and to be fair some of them were talking about their fans and the populations reaction in general to them as public figures or people in the spot light. Some of them were talking to Kasey about their next well thought up plan to “Take over the world” and Kasey being the entrepeneur he was, was inclined and excited to discuss his ideas and thoughts. I was bored quickly and Jennifer was too. We looked at each other and if it wasnt for Kasey pulling me aside to once again meet Chris (who i had met the night before at XS) I probably would have ended up in the pool with the others who looked to be having fun. But Im glad I was introduced again because this time i tried really hard to find out “who” everyone was and “what” they were about. The first night i was disappointed i didn’t pay better attention since i figured i would not be back again but this time started taking mental notes for future events.

Chris is just the biggest sweetheart in the world… Kasey was telling him the story of how i didnt want to offend him by calling him “Jesus” the first night I had met him and they got a good laugh out of it for a couple of min. Come to find out, Chris, who is worth bundles and bundles, ” more than $4,000,000 playing poker in the WSOP and WSOP circuit alone.” has spent it by building schools and churches in Africa and other places less fortunate. Kasey was explaining to me that Chris does this all “under cover” and receives no press for his charity work!! Now that is a human being with a heart. I would have never of guessed but also was told of his passion for west coast swing, something i could talk about because my uncle is a professional west coast swing instructor in the Dallas Texas area and I enjoyed finally having something in common with these people.

It got late and Jennifer and I were bored enough to start showing it in our postures and faces. The guys got the hint finally and we left in time to stop by this dive bar that Kasey asked Lee to drive to in excitement. I hadn’t seen Kasey seem so relaxed yet as he talked about the tacos in the bar and explained to me that i may not like the place because it lacks in fancy decor and quality wines…

Who did this guy think I was? and better yet who did this guy think he was? I worked as a bartender for an all Beer bar in Long Beach and cleaned schools as a janitor for 3 years. Did i really come off as a girl who needed fancy things and high-class status…. We showed up and as Kasey order a pear cider, i was a little taken back by his ”                                                                                                                                                                                          ” choice of beverage but was all too intrigued considering i was the only one in Long Beach who I ever saw order Cider and I loved to make Black Velvets by pouring guiness on top of the cider. It was a great drink that did the job.

I was soon to find out Kasey was not joking when he was discussing with me about his gambling addiction and rehab visit (where he actually met Jennifer, who was in  because of a doctors misdiagnosis). Kasey said the rehab was useful and healed him of his addiction but as soon as i had time to sit, he was already up and at the shuffle board table making bets with the gentlemen who were there before us. I cant help but wonder if Kasey is always making “bets” as a way of gambling with out the owning up of his addiction. I mean i remember my counselor talking to me about Tim (my ex) going into the same rehab for sex addiction and when i had asked her about going i remember her advising me that she would rather i go some place different? I couldn’t help but wonder the difference and decided to call her that moment.

boy was i dumb for waking her up not realizing that it was already 4am. Lee drove us back to the ARIA to race with destiny for “POUND TOWN” with his wife and as Jennifer encouraged the thought by squealing “POUND TOWN< POUND TOWN” in the back seat, they were off leaving me to once again help Kasey find his room.

This time it was not funny as he tried to pee in the middle of the hallway like an adolescent that couldn’t hold it in a long car ride.

“KASEY, WTF are you doing?”

“I’m going to pee, right here…” he slurred out the side of his mouth…

“NO YOU”RE NOT, our room is right here.” and i pointed to the door 5 steps from his unzipped pants.

He looked at me like he wanted to see how far I would let him get away with it and i suddenly didn’t care who he was or what he did and raised my voice that i havent done since my last argument with my husband and it was taken seriously enough for him to tuck his penis back where it belonged and slowly walked in the room and over to the toilet like a school boy who was scolded for not sharing the tether ball courts at recesses.

I couldn’t believe what i had almost seen. First, the way he ignored me most of the night with lee and Jen, kissing me maybe once the whole night and barely noticing my existence, then trying to pull a stunt like peeing in the fountain at ARIA and giving up to pee in the hallway instead was not on my list of qualities i looked for in a man and I’ll be damned if he thought i would get into trouble for his wrong doings….

I crawled into bed and was asked by Kasey to order room service and gave me permission to order anything of my liking , his choice the eggs Benedict and mine the french toast with berries and whip cream, were ordered over the phone to a lady who continued to call me Mrs. Thompson. This was the first time i took notice as to what Kasey’s last name was and instead of explaining told her “thank you” and hung up.

I once again asked Kasey for permission to steal something out of the mini bar and he answered “YES” “ANYTHING”

After I fed him his eggs Benedict, poured his three diet coke, buttered his cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and handed him his side of bacon (extra crispy) i laid down next to him and watched as he began to sleep off the nights excitement and weight. He looked to be thinking even in his sleep and i don’t know what it was that caused me to make such a dramatic step over the bed and tuck my head into his arms and over his chest, but i hadn’t slept like that in 3 months since my husband left out apartment and for the first time in  a long time I slept the whole night thru and slept well.