https://kaseynation.wordpress.com/2010/09/02/finally-leaving-the-dream
That’s all I could think about as I drove down the 15 freeway going 94 MPH and having no intention to slow down. I was confident in my decision while i was leaving but it was the fresh air and choice of songs that had me rethinking my decision to leave Kasey at Aria.
If I had met Kasey one year prior and I was single things would have been different. I was a lost, co dependent person. I have always been financially independent but Co dependent on men for internal happiness. If I wasnt taking care of a man I felt like half a woman. I know the weak Chanel would have stayed and taken all the bull crap, sacrificing my own needs for his and waiting for him to respect me. I know this because, until a year ago I had been doing this routine with my husband. Since meeting my husband I have been completely infatuated with him. I have no problem with men approaching me but I seem to look for a very distinctive quality, and will “Latch” on if I sense it. I “Latched” to my husband and didn’t let go. I did everything for him, and nothing for myself. I paid for everything; rent , bills, cars, cameras, vacations… you name it. Sometimes I worked two jobs to make sure we were comfortable.
Side Note- I haven’t always been a stripper and only went back to stripping after being laid off from Toyota and after my husband asked me to, so we could put a nice down payment on a condo.
Ill learned from my stepfather that you did what it took to make sure your family was comfortable and sacrificing my needs for others was in blood. Sometimes i worked 75 hours a week to provide a lifestyle that was comfortable for the both of us. He never had to worry about not having money because he knew i would take care of it. I had no friends, and never went out. Most days I enjoyed cleaning, cooking, and making sure i was cleaned up in time to put on a sexy outfit for him to enjoy. On my days off i worked out for hours making sure my body was in tip-top shape, hoping that would keep him around. I got him to marry me to say the least but he never stuck around. He was constantly lying to me and cheating (or at least he says trying to). Funny thing was… I was happy. I mean not deep deep down inside, but when i wasnt trying to think that far down, I was happy. I was addicted to being hurt and being walked on and was just happy having someone in my life.
What does this have to do with Kasey?
As I walked into my first therapy session with my SA, NA and LA counselor I remember the last question she asked me as I poured down tears of helplessness.
“What Chanel, Do you want to accomplish by meeting with me and hopefully achieve in your life?”
I thought long and hard and answered
“I want to no longer be addicted to pain, and I want to be strong enough to leave the people who hurt me and all unhealthy relationships in my life, including my husband if he doesnt get help”
Since that day, I have read book after book and done exercise after excercise strengthening my awareness of self and giving me the necessary tools i need to get healthy.
Watching Kasey “black out” at poker tables and drink himself into a coma every night, was screaming UNHEALTHY to my “improved self” . But I am and will always be a caretaker at heart, and my co dependent self was wondering if i should turn my car around and help Kasey through his addiction. He had encouraged the end of mine and I made a promise i knew i could keep. He even allowed me to be “my addict” and other than puppy eyes, didnt leave me. I remember the nights I sobered up and just wanted someone to be by my side. But I was getting healthy and I no longer wanted to be attracted to men who were addicts or in need of someone to take care of them. I wanted to be taken care of. It was my turn and I for the first time in my life I felt the most deserving of it.
I quickly called my counselor and started hyperventilating and cried while explaining to her my predicament
“Dr Tracy, you dont understand, he needs someone there, I feel like i should have stayed and been there for him. Every addict wants someone who understands and is there for them, I feel like i should turn around….”
“Chanel, has he called you?”
“No he doesnt even realized I left, Hes completely in his addict and blacked out, but i know when he walks up to the room he will be surprised i left”
“Chanel, you need to take care of yourself, but I also understand…..
At that moment I looked in my mirror to find Flashing Red and blue lights. Yes, I was getting pulled over and knew that Barstow cops were not going to let me get away with talking on my cell phone while speeding past Lenwood at 93 mph. I couldn’t find my Id to make matters worse and needed to call Kasey to see if I had left it. You wont believe it but its true when i tell you that Kasey answered his phone asking me why i needed my ID and hadn’t yet walked away from the poker table. He was trying to get me to tell the cop his attorneys name and at that moment i disconnected the line realizing i was getting nowhere with him. After given the ticket I called back my counselor to explain to her
“Tracy, Im not sure what it is….. Im healthier than i have ever been but with all the unhealthy he brings, it only compliments my unhealthy” “He’s not addicted to drugs or sex and doesn’t like being alone, I have a problem spending money on myself and he does that perfectly fine, hes smart and witty, extremely fun and attractive. His smile lights up a room and when he does this little dance where he raises his arms and moves his head side to side, i melt. I like that i can talk to him about all my problems and he doesn’t seem to judge, and he actually teaches me things and doesn’t need me to support him. He hasn’t put me down or said anything but positive stuff about me to others and I like that someone wanted me around as much as I wanted to be around. I never felt like i was suffocating him or invading his space… You know its nice when two people dont like being alone because its like a constant companionship instead one person feeling like they are too “needy”.”
“Well, Chanel, I do think your problems compliment each other, but his addictions seem to be overtaking him more than yours. You are very strong-willed and stubborn which helps you keep yourself in check” “Maybe you should call him ”
No seconds later was Kasey on the other line….
“Where are you!!!!???”
“What do you mean Kasey? Im on the 15 freeway headed home.”
“WHAT!!!! YOU LEFT ME?” “ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU LEFT ME!!!!”
“Kasey I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do, you wouldn’t leave the table and I asked several times….”
“I CANT BELIEVE YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…You actually left me, you left me alone, you dont care”
“KASEY I CARE!!!”
“NO YOU DONT!! you don’t fucking care, YOU LEFT ME, YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…..”
“KASEY I’m sorry I…..”
“You dont care!, when did you leave? why did you leave?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, deep down I kinda felt like i knew this would happen but i didn’t want to believe he was this bad in his addiction to not even remember the poker manager handing him his own keys to his room. I tried to explain to him but he wouldn’t have it.. The pain in his voice crushed me, I knew that pain, I had been there before many times, just wanting someone there when i was ready, someone to hold me or just someone there to let me know things would be okay. But he was right, I had left him, and I was now regretting it.
“I CANT BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME”… and with that he hung up the phone.
There was nothing i could do about it. I tried to call back but he didn’t answer. I was already an hour away from home and turning back would only mean i wasnt as healthy as I thought. I tried to remember what i was paying my therapist for and repeated the words as I cried my eyes out… “I am WORTHY of Good in my life, I do not have to be responsible for other’s happiness” but i couldn’t control it any longer when Eminems, I love the way you lie, song started playing on the radio, I totally lost it and had to pull over to the side of the road. I sat there in my car bawling. I hadn’t allowed myself to cry since my husband and i separated and here i was crying for my second time in less than 24 hours. Usually I would smoked a bowl to take the pain away but I was in public and there i was on the side of the road, hyperventilating… crying for a man i had met 13 days ago, crying for the decision i had made to leave him and the confusion of our companionship, crying for a broken marriage, crying for my past hurts, crying about the speeding ticket i just got, my bills that needed to be paid and crying for the fear of my future. Everything hit me at once…. Like a ton of bricks, i suddenly stopped, motionless and silent….
an hour later I was home.
Sex, Drugs and Tommy Bahama 