Back to our Roots

Next day after spending time with Kasey in LA, he needed to be in Las Vegas for Chris’s Girlfriends birthday party. I was a little hurt he knew i was leaving for Vegas that night as well and didnt ask me if I wanted to go with him and didnt want to drive with me. So I drove him to the air port and drove back to Newport beach where i live.

On my way up to Vegas I texted Kasey to see if he was planning on staying with me or if he had a hotel room. It was frustrating to get only sporadic texts from the guy and when he answered my texts, he never answered any of my questions. I was starting to really despise the guy, considering the promise he had made to pay my therapist was still not taken care of and he couldnt just call me to talk to me when im driving on the 15 freeway in the middle of the dark during a lightning storm. I realized like previously noticing, Kasey wasnt going to answer my texts regarding the hotel and I would need to book one of my own, so i did. I also told myself to give up on the Mother F^*$@r cause he was LAME and inconsistent and if he decides to hang out, cool, if not, i wasnt going to cry over the guy cause i was in Vegas and truth be told, I hadnt seen my Valet in a while and always knew i could call his fine ass up. Of course in Vegas, it was as much my territory as it was his and I had work to go to and things i needed to get done anyway.

One day turned to two and two into three and finally I received a text from Kasey that he wanted me to meet him at the bar Money Plays because he was speaking with a publisher in Vegas who liked some of my ideas regarding my “Strip club dos and donts” that I had previously shared with Kasey. So I jumped up and got dressed and meet him at the bar.

Publisher he was speaking of was none other than ANTHONY CURTIS. For those not familiar, he is the publisher of the Las Vegas Advisor, as well as a lot of other things and recently just published a couple of books regarding Strip Clubs in Las Vegas. He handed me the “manual” & asked my opinion of the facts that were printed and wanted to hear some of my ideas. I couldnt believe Kasey! What was he thinking? You dont give a girl a chance like this without warning her and at least giving her some time to think of what she wanted to say and how to say it. Also being the un-trusting business minded woman i was, i wasnt comfortable just telling anyone about my ideas so they could be published behind my back without any recognition.. Did he think i was stupid? So here I am at a bar pulling out my laptop and trying to share some of my thoughts without telling them everything, all the while trying to give them enough to be interested And not make Kasey look like a fool for having them take the time to hear me out. This was not an easy task and after they had left, i let out a sigh of relief.

It was nice to see Kasey at a familiar spot and it was like Deja Vu being back at our roots. We ate and Kasey let me know he was busy but would call me later…I had heard that before and wasnt going to hold my breath, so i decided I was going to go to Liquid to meet with Lauren (a girl we originally met at the Gold Lounge in Aria). I had saved a couple of keys from the time we were together and I was smart enough to save the tower suite key in case of emergencies. So i stayed at liquid and was enjoying myself but wishing I had company when I noticed a group of men in the pool couldnt stop staring at me.

I was bored and had nothing to lose so i walked up to them and started the conversation

“Hi Guys, I see you staring but no one is introducing themselves so i thought id come over and say Hi, My name is Chanel”

They chuckled and looked a little embarrassed but they helped me pass the time before i needed to go to work and with that, i tipped Lauren for all the free drinks and went back to Gold Coast to get ready for work. Ive been staying at Gold Coast for a while since I get rooms starting at 23 dollars a night and know the cute bartenders at TGIF. They hook me up with food and the valet always keep my car parked out front. It’s like a second home to me and it’s always nice to pull up to familiar faces. I was almost about to pull up to my hotel when Kasey decides to call and asks me to stop by his work. When i get there Anthony, Kasey and Silverfox are all enjoying some time discussing their business adventures and im a little embarrassed that once again Kasey does not tell me that Anthony will be there and I show up in my bikini and a pair of jeans. Yes, i am a dancer but I do not live the lifestyle and I know when to be a professional and this was the second time I felt like Kasey obviously didnt see that quality in me and chose to put me out there like nothing other than a stripper.

So im walking around Anthony’s office in a bikini and trying to hang out and understand what it is I am supposed to be doing when the beer finally runs out. This gave Kasey and Silverfox no other reason to stay and with that, Kasey’s bags go from Brett’s vehicle to the back of my car and over to the Gold Coast. We Settle in the room when he tells me that he wants to take me on a date and tells me that he will not call anyone else to meet up with us???????

WTF? I wanted to feel his forehead to make sure he didnt have a fever and then i wanted to feel my own to make sure i wasnt tripping cause everything was too perfect and as we decided to stay somewhat casual in blue jeans and nice shirts we escorted each other down the elevator and over to CORTEZ.

Kasey had been talking all night about how great their prime rib was and that it was a less expensive meal without downgrading the food. So we walked over to Cortez, when his mother calls. Now the relationship between him and his family our somewhat still a mystery to me cause frankly, the kid has problems and we are all a product of our environments so obviously whether or not his family was well off, in my opinion they must have had “problems”.  I didnt mind though cause my family was a work of “Art” and if i were to pick the painter it would defiantly be some sort of Picasso where you have no idea what the fuck the painting is trying to say or what exactly it is but somehow, someway you cant stop staring at it and cant decide if you like it or not. So i was no one to judge and I was about to keep myself company and pull out my own phone when i over here Kasey tell his mother he has to go because he’s on a date and cant talk now???????

WHOO, stop there!!! What did he just say to his mother???? A DATE? I mean its one thing for me to ask to go on a date with him and him oblige but it’s another to tell your mother your on a date unless, your really on a date, unless it was a good excuse to get your mother off the phone, but then would have to explain later when she asks about the date that it was really a way to hang up on her… Either way, I’m a love addict, remember? So I always make up shit in my head that usually sides with what i want to hear and I decided we were on a date.

Man, i wish i had secretly recorded the dinner we had. It was fucking AMAZING!!  I had a fucking blast just hearing Kasey talk about his family while doing impersonations of each one and telling personal details of his childhood mistakes and rebel ways. I mean really, this was exactly what i had wanted from him and I was sooo thrilled to be finally getting it. The food was terrific by the way and I think even with Kasey laughing at the prices for their most expensive bottle of wine, we both knew we were most comfortable in this type of setting. Relaxed, away from crowds, away from having to be the center of attention and away from having to pretend to be what we always had to be while working, “The Shit”. Nope, it was just him and I, blue jeans and shirt, prime rib, bread bowl and nice a bottle of red wine, I wouldnt have asked for it any other way. After we shared many laughs and exchanged some family stories we headed out. I was finishing a conversation regarding my work at the Rhino and explaining how it affected my husband…

“So, like I said, he could have asked me to quit anytime and thats all it would have taken for me to go out and get a different job, but he wouldnt because he was too spoiled living off of my money”

“So you’re saying you would have quit if he asked you?”

“Of course I would have.. he’s my husband”

then out of the blue ….

“Would you quit for me?”

WOooW…??!!! Huh.. did i just hear that…? (For the second time of the night) and I grab Kasey’s hand and stop dead in my tracks and turn him towards me so he is looking at me in my eyes

“Kasey look at me….If you want to make a commitment, i would quit if you asked”

“Really”

“Yes, really”

He looks at me for a second in my eyes and I get scared all the sudden. Maybe I was afraid of the answer, cause I would have been heart broken if he would have told me NO, and I wasnt sure if I was ready to give up my job to a man I felt I barely knew. Whatever it was i felt the situation needed some type of comic relief..

“So, you think about that one and you can get back to me…”

We both smile at one another and answers back

“Okay”

I dont want to come back down from this Cloud

from chem2judy@verizon.net to channelno.5@gmail.com date Tue, Jul 13, 2010 at 5:47 PM subject from gma mailed-by verizon.net

My darling grandaughter,

Irresponsible is not the word I would use to describe your current behavior.

Everyone, yes, everyone goes through periods in their life when it feels as though nothing is going right and that life in general has just smacked you in the face. Yes, you do have decisions to make and it would be good for you to start taking stock  and making a few. Partying at 5 star hotels with people you barely know, for days on end, is more than irresponsible, it’s dangerous. In more ways than one. You are deliberately making poor choices, and as an adult, you need to accept responsibility for this and not pass the blame on to a failed marriage, a bad childhood or anything else. Drugs, partying, other men, it doesn’t matter, you need to wake up and deal with you. Ask yourself what you need to do in order to tie up loose ends in your real world and get back on track with the rest of your life.. Call your counselor, contact Tim in a civil and adult manner to see what needs to be done in order for you both to move on. Go back to work, if you still have a job. (I had no idea that Miller Lite girls danced on table tops in VIP rooms)

BE A CLASS ACT.

I would suggest you start by sending a text back to Tim. Start by thanking him him for letting you know he has filed and for asking you about the scrapbooks. Explain that you havn’t contacted him because you realized that you both needed some space and time away. Tell him your sorry things didn’t work out and wish him well.  Don’t become a drama queen. If you want the scrapbooks, we will keep them for you, until later on when you decide what you want to do with them. Give him your PO box and ask him to mail them and let you know how much the postage will be. You can mail him a money order. If you will behave in an adult manner with this, on down the road, you will be able to be friends.

Thank your friend for all the good times and leave while your still friends so that if later, you want to go back, you will be comfortable contacting him. If you wait until he’s tired of you, you won’t have that option.

Come home, clean up, then you can take your gma to lunch at the beach  for her belated birthday gift. I don’t want to to go out to eat with you until you are off your drugs. It’s painful for me to see you like that.

I was taught that you “don’t air your dirty linen in public”. I believe that. You need to to take all that personal stuff off of your blog, facebook, whatever. That is not for the world to see. That is for you, your counselor and 30 years from now a book if you write it. But not now should it be out for public display. That is drama queen. jerry springer, trailer trash,, pick your own name. Again. BE A CLASS ACT.

I love you and listen to what I’m telling you,

gma

xxxxxxxoooooo

from chem2judy@verizon.net to      channelno.5@gmail.com

I guess I really rambled-lol

bottom line-you do need at home time, away from where your at, to get a perspective on where you are and where your headed. You do need to keep your job. It’s very important to have some financial independence. Remember how you have felt regarding Tim and his lack of financial contribution. In today’s world, a woman who is willing to work and can take care of herself is an asset in a relationship.

Next-ask yourself if you were to suddenly find out he (Kasey) no longer had any money if you would still want to see him and then use your answer to decide what type of a relationship you have now or would have a month or 6 months on down the road.

He entertains these people as part of his business and is probably already thinking what his next business moves will be in order to stay financially solvent and get ahead in the magazine business which is risky.

Be honest with yourself and with him.

xxxxxxxxxoooooooo

gma

Money play$ on the 4th

Who called who first? I don’t remember..

I wish i did. I only remember coming back from work very depressed and sitting in front of my computer, staring, at what? I have no clue… But i was stuck. I wanted to get up so bad and go to that party that everyone was asking me if Id be there. I felt wanted for the first time in a long time.I didn’t care if they were only asking because i was one of the biggest tippers in the club. I just didn’t want to do what i always did, Nothing. I get all dressed up to go out and show off and i end up sitting in front of my computer just starring into space.

What’s important is that we talked (or texted) and Kasey wanted to see me again. Im not sure why I wanted to skip work to see him again since he was so different and we had nothing in common from what i could tell besides being addicts and an “uncanny” way of attracting people to ourselves.  I got dressed and was a little disappointed with myself as i counted some money to put into my wallet for the night. I had been in Vegas for almost a week and barely had enough money to pay my rent when i got home. I didnt care and as i pulled up to ARIA valet I stepped into a realm of fantasy and Fun. I went up to his room where I stepped into my DESTINY, each step counting and each step for a purpose ending in Darkness. As i waited for him to finish I peered down at the pools glistening in the darkness and could only imagine how beautiful it would be at sunrise and sunset . I looked over at the massive bed and instantly knew I wanted to wake up where he was, in his room, and just Run Away….

He told me i looked hot and we began a night by jumping into the car of some of the coolest fricking people i have ever met. Seriously, I never knew I could like a couple as much as I liked these two.

Jennifer- The girl who played Jan in the Brady Bunch Movie

and her fantastic husband

Lee- Producer of reality shows

Together they equaled one BIG FUCKING BALL OF AWESOMENESS and felt at home, even though i was 300 miles away. Why were they so awesome. Besides being very open about how imperfect they were and how much they didnt give a rats ass if they were “defective” they made me feel at home with all my flaws, hidden and open.

We ended up at some mansion party in the hills of Henderson. It was gated and I had never been to a community where the gate must take a picture of the vehicles license plate before entering. The houses didn’t seem any more special than the new houses they have built-in Corona CA. You know that “Cookie Cutter”, high vaulted ceiling look, with the waterfall connected to the stone pool. Yeah, Thats what this place was with two exceptions….

1) It had the most spectacular view of the strip that gave it a feel the strip was made for the house instead of the opposite.

2) “Famous” people actually were standing in the backyard of this place doing what Famous people do… talk about themselves and all their accomplishments…

Okay that was kinda rude and to be fair some of them were talking about their fans and the populations reaction in general to them as public figures or people in the spot light. Some of them were talking to Kasey about their next well thought up plan to “Take over the world” and Kasey being the entrepeneur he was, was inclined and excited to discuss his ideas and thoughts. I was bored quickly and Jennifer was too. We looked at each other and if it wasnt for Kasey pulling me aside to once again meet Chris (who i had met the night before at XS) I probably would have ended up in the pool with the others who looked to be having fun. But Im glad I was introduced again because this time i tried really hard to find out “who” everyone was and “what” they were about. The first night i was disappointed i didn’t pay better attention since i figured i would not be back again but this time started taking mental notes for future events.

Chris is just the biggest sweetheart in the world… Kasey was telling him the story of how i didnt want to offend him by calling him “Jesus” the first night I had met him and they got a good laugh out of it for a couple of min. Come to find out, Chris, who is worth bundles and bundles, ” more than $4,000,000 playing poker in the WSOP and WSOP circuit alone.” has spent it by building schools and churches in Africa and other places less fortunate. Kasey was explaining to me that Chris does this all “under cover” and receives no press for his charity work!! Now that is a human being with a heart. I would have never of guessed but also was told of his passion for west coast swing, something i could talk about because my uncle is a professional west coast swing instructor in the Dallas Texas area and I enjoyed finally having something in common with these people.

It got late and Jennifer and I were bored enough to start showing it in our postures and faces. The guys got the hint finally and we left in time to stop by this dive bar that Kasey asked Lee to drive to in excitement. I hadn’t seen Kasey seem so relaxed yet as he talked about the tacos in the bar and explained to me that i may not like the place because it lacks in fancy decor and quality wines…

Who did this guy think I was? and better yet who did this guy think he was? I worked as a bartender for an all Beer bar in Long Beach and cleaned schools as a janitor for 3 years. Did i really come off as a girl who needed fancy things and high-class status…. We showed up and as Kasey order a pear cider, i was a little taken back by his ”                                                                                                                                                                                          ” choice of beverage but was all too intrigued considering i was the only one in Long Beach who I ever saw order Cider and I loved to make Black Velvets by pouring guiness on top of the cider. It was a great drink that did the job.

I was soon to find out Kasey was not joking when he was discussing with me about his gambling addiction and rehab visit (where he actually met Jennifer, who was in  because of a doctors misdiagnosis). Kasey said the rehab was useful and healed him of his addiction but as soon as i had time to sit, he was already up and at the shuffle board table making bets with the gentlemen who were there before us. I cant help but wonder if Kasey is always making “bets” as a way of gambling with out the owning up of his addiction. I mean i remember my counselor talking to me about Tim (my ex) going into the same rehab for sex addiction and when i had asked her about going i remember her advising me that she would rather i go some place different? I couldn’t help but wonder the difference and decided to call her that moment.

boy was i dumb for waking her up not realizing that it was already 4am. Lee drove us back to the ARIA to race with destiny for “POUND TOWN” with his wife and as Jennifer encouraged the thought by squealing “POUND TOWN< POUND TOWN” in the back seat, they were off leaving me to once again help Kasey find his room.

This time it was not funny as he tried to pee in the middle of the hallway like an adolescent that couldn’t hold it in a long car ride.

“KASEY, WTF are you doing?”

“I’m going to pee, right here…” he slurred out the side of his mouth…

“NO YOU”RE NOT, our room is right here.” and i pointed to the door 5 steps from his unzipped pants.

He looked at me like he wanted to see how far I would let him get away with it and i suddenly didn’t care who he was or what he did and raised my voice that i havent done since my last argument with my husband and it was taken seriously enough for him to tuck his penis back where it belonged and slowly walked in the room and over to the toilet like a school boy who was scolded for not sharing the tether ball courts at recesses.

I couldn’t believe what i had almost seen. First, the way he ignored me most of the night with lee and Jen, kissing me maybe once the whole night and barely noticing my existence, then trying to pull a stunt like peeing in the fountain at ARIA and giving up to pee in the hallway instead was not on my list of qualities i looked for in a man and I’ll be damned if he thought i would get into trouble for his wrong doings….

I crawled into bed and was asked by Kasey to order room service and gave me permission to order anything of my liking , his choice the eggs Benedict and mine the french toast with berries and whip cream, were ordered over the phone to a lady who continued to call me Mrs. Thompson. This was the first time i took notice as to what Kasey’s last name was and instead of explaining told her “thank you” and hung up.

I once again asked Kasey for permission to steal something out of the mini bar and he answered “YES” “ANYTHING”

After I fed him his eggs Benedict, poured his three diet coke, buttered his cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and handed him his side of bacon (extra crispy) i laid down next to him and watched as he began to sleep off the nights excitement and weight. He looked to be thinking even in his sleep and i don’t know what it was that caused me to make such a dramatic step over the bed and tuck my head into his arms and over his chest, but i hadn’t slept like that in 3 months since my husband left out apartment and for the first time in  a long time I slept the whole night thru and slept well.

Who’s Helping Who?

Written July 5th 2010

God, what am I doing? I was suppose to have kept him company and helped him see the good in life?? Is there still good in Life??
Am I still Good?
How can I show someone something I myself still have doubt in….
I’m so alone. Why do I do this to myself?
As I grab my friend to take away my pain of abandonment, I come to terms with myself in realizing, I will never live a lifestyle of fortune and fame because I cannot keep up with the demands of always acting like I’m of some kind of importance.
I am not
I can admit to it.
I don’t want to have responsibility of hundreds of lives or people
I want the responsibility of making one special person happy and maybe one day some children.
Is that Lame?
Is it Lame I don’t want a big career and tailored suites to match my office on the top floor of some fancy building with lots of windows that will constantly need cleaning?
I just want a Man
I just want to be loved
Well, maybe I don’t want that at all
Maybe I just want companionship
Someone to say they care, they’re here and if I die, they can be a testament to my life.

First Clue….the Hardrock

I should back up

I was really looking forward to 4th of July this year because for the first time In 6 years, I was invited to a party. Not only a party but a work party where lots of the people i see at work would be. Usually this does nothing for me and I avoid parties like this at all costs, but this year i was desperate and my “Valet-friend” w0uld be in San Diego all weekend, and I had really wanted to make friends in Vegas since I had yet to allow myself to go out and actually experience any of what the Bright Strip had to offer.

Of course some nights when i got lucky and my hotel room came with a strip view i would peer out as the sun set and watch as the lights lit the ground like different colored sparks from a flame smelling of Sin, Youth and Fun. But the thought of losing out on a thousand dollars quickly had me jumping in the shower (Thank God) and getting ready for work.