How did I get here?

Originally written 002010-07-08T15:11:14.896-07:00 but has since been Edited

I’ve been asking myself this question for the last 4 days and still no answer sits before me.
Where is here? I don’t have the answer to that question either.
Somewhere between “ home” and a hotel room of a man I just met a little over 72 hours ago.

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What am I getting out of this? What do I want out of this? What does he see in me? So much doubt and pain. Do I stay or do I go?

“Go” is what my therapist would probably say if I hadn’t skipped the last two sessions I had scheduled with her.

“Stay” is what I am doing, whether out of loneness, boredom, curiosity, or intrigue, here I am. I was bound to find myself in this type of situation sooner or later considering I’ve been spiraling out of control for the last 4 months. I’d like to say I prepared for a moment in time like this but in the last 6 years; my imagination has been drained of its confidence to blow up the once optimistic giant balloons in my head.

As it got closer to the end I could feel it in my stomach but my heart would not let go and has yet to completely… I never thought it would end this way. Has it even ended?

My husband never said another word after coming home from a work event and leaving me a text message as he exited the plane.

“I went out Thursday to the hotel bar with Stephen and nick and we had a few drinks with a few girls, I talked to this girl Sydney for awhile. Got her number and wanted to go out with her Friday. I would have slept with her if the opportunity arose but it didn’t. We didn’t go to Friday either. The point is I would have done it and that really shows me that I don’t care about the relationship anymore. I even masturbated every morning and night from Wednesday on after we talked. This what’s on my mind and is why I wanted to have a serious talk with u about our future. I don’t know if there is any hope for one. I feel confused but to be honest it was nice not talking to u the last two days. It was a relief, lonely sometimes but a relief”

After receiving that text I guess I told myself that letting him know how much I missed him and loved him was pointless. The longest I have ever been able to hold back from my husband was two days… maybe…
But it’s been a month and still no reconciliation.
He’s tried several times to call and has texted but only to let me know that he took me off our credit card accounts and that I no longer have car insurance and owe him money for some of the remaining balances.
I was hoping he might have it in him to text me a simple… “Miss you”
What was I thinking? My husband as always been the more stubborn one and the one to usually win because I knew my love for him was not about who was right or wrong but about honesty.
But I’ve done it. I’ve managed not to call or answer his calls and what has come of it….
I wasn’t expecting to meet him at work that night nor did I think much after meeting him. But it was when we hung out one night, when I should have been working, that he reeled me in.
For the sake of his privacy and because I am tired of hearing it, I will not name names. But so you can understand and keep up with my blogs mentally it’s important for you to know that he says he’s very well known in the world of Poker and I can vouch, also the Hotels of Las Vegas.
This means nothing to me, since I don’t watch poker and could care less if the room came with a box of complimentary Zeno cigars. I also couldn’t care less about all the celebrities he’s best friends with or the fact that he carries a black Amex in his pocket next to the couple grand in cash for an emergency throw down,  only if, However, he comes across a table he feels is ”lucky” or at least entertaining.
I didn’t know what to think of the first night since I was promised payment for taking the night off of work (no talk of sex, ever) and didn’t know if I was even attracted to this man who looked to be 48 in his Tommy Bahamas shirt, silk pants, followed by loafers and brilliantly complimented by bare feet. (He originally told me he couldn’t afford socks)
He didn’t care what age people thought he was, or if they liked him. He knew for his age (33) that he had accomplished more in his short time than most people will ever accomplish in their lifetime. I couldn’t tell you what his “net worth” was or how profitable his career had made him. God, I couldn’t even tell you what he did for work…. but it doesn’t really matter.
What mattered was my reasoning for seeing him the next night for free when I knew my bank account was running low since I moved into my new apartment a couple weeks before

Before I knew it, one night turned into another and another and now I’m still here, blogging about the last 4 nights. I knew I was not the kind to care about money since my husband was a pizza boy delivery man when I had met him and the guy I was fooling around with to pass time, a valet at my work. So what was it about this man who drank too much and neglected my existence in public that I was drawn to?

Maybe it was his big heart or ballsy confidence. Maybe it was the way he held me in the middle of the nights or the way he listened to me when I explained to him how lonely I had felt the nights before when he left me in a crowd of “rich groupies”.  Maybe it was the fact that his ex was a crowned pageant winner and his ex before that a famous underwear model, But I highly doubt it.
What could I possibly offer this man?
What could he possibly see in me?
I was a “nobody”. Just a dancer he had met 72 hours prior. In the middle of the VIP room as he paid for several girls to grind on the top of his “Financial Friends” laps, he politely asked me to sit and talk to him? As I sat and talked with him trying to get what I could out of him to keep him attracted and to keep my entertained I suddenly could tell deep inside he was lonely. I knew from previous customers who enter the club that most “wealthy” people were secretly lonely. They all had tons of acquaintances but lacked “real” friends.
. I watched him get drunker and drunker all the while making sure his “friends” were having the times of their lives, each girl working to keep each other entertained and looking at me with envy. “Why are they just talking” “Maybe he knows her”…I could hear the whispers thru the air that started to smell like a combination of mans’ cologne, self tanner and sweaty pussy.
I didn’t care what they thought. After given 1200.00 dollars each, I was pulled away as I was about to exit the curtain.
“Would you like to come over? We can order everything on the menu in my hotel room and just take one bite of everything and watch a movie”….
I couldn’t help but think that was the cutest pick up line ever, even though I also knew it was a sneaky way to get me into his room.
If it wasn’t for someone stealing my identity and setting off my credit card fraud alert I may have ended up in his room that morning, but after several phone calls made to my bank and social security departments, I wasn’t in the mood to be “friendly” with anyone. I thought he would be upset, but instead invited me out that night and paid me for taking the time off work.
Now I’m sitting here blogging about my first night while watching him nap off a couple bottles of Dom and Crystal that was surely ordered during his “business” meetings earlier. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing during these moments but I find myself wanting to crawl up beside him and tuck his hair behind his ear and lightly kiss his forehead.
I thought for sure I would have been gone two days ago after the night I had gotten dressed up from head to toe only to be ignored most of the night. How was I supposed to get this guys attention. I mean try and understand he was constantly making business transactions even when you thought he was just enjoying a quick laugh with an old friend and toasting with a glass of the most expensive champagne.
Disappointment came when I was quick to learn he was not big on PDA and rightfully so since at any moment there could very possibly be a blog written about him or a picture taken that could ruin everything he has worked so hard to achieve…… (Gotta love the power of blogs)
But I was lonely. Not only lonely but confused and needed some type of affirmation as to why he was asking me to stay. At times I felt I was re enacting the movie “Pretty Women” and at other times I felt I was once again filling my head with thoughts that would later only disappoint myself. Maybe I was being too serious and quick to judge. Maybe I was longing for something or someone to take my mind off the husband I had left in California.
The next morning after feeling completely laughed at… I told him I was leaving and explained to him my need for public affirmation and attention. I thought he would have sent me home that second but instead he smiled and asked me to stay another night and this time when I got dressed up and left with him to meet some business associates and friends we were arm in arm and he made sure to tell me several times how pretty I looked. But it didn’t even stop there… He made sure to kiss me several times during the night continued to hold my hand and looked out for me instead of asking one of his body guards to keep me company. Talk about improvement, I was married and couldn’t get that type of effort from a man I was able to offer more to. I’ve never seen such change within one night. Was this really all for me? Did I really deserve this extra effort and treatment?
My therapist would say “Yes” if I allowed her to council and hadn’t missed the last two sessions I scheduled with her prior. I would still be convincing myself “No” if it wasn’t actually happening as I type this.
My Brain is telling my heart: I’m not stunningly beautiful, nor am I ugly
I’m smart but carry no degree or detailed plan for my future
I could clean like a hired Mollymaid but did/do not like to cook
I make my own money but do it through ways that were frowned upon
What could this guy possibly want with me?
Why have I not driven home? I feel like my world is out of whack. He just doesn’t understand how I could be feeling because to him life revolves around his Outlook calendar and the hotels in each nearby city are his home