Tag Archives: KaseyNation

Did I make the right Decision

THIS POST IS THE ENDING TO

https://kaseynation.wordpress.com/2010/09/02/finally-leaving-the-dream

That’s all I could think about as I drove down the 15 freeway going 94 MPH and having no intention to slow down. I was confident in my decision while i was leaving but it was the fresh air and choice of songs that had me rethinking my decision to leave Kasey at Aria.

If I had met Kasey one year prior and I was single things would have been different. I was a lost, co dependent person. I have always been financially independent but Co dependent on men for internal happiness. If I wasnt taking care of a man I felt like half a woman. I know the weak Chanel would have stayed and taken all the bull crap, sacrificing my own needs for his and waiting for him to respect me. I know this because, until a year ago I had  been doing this routine with my husband. Since meeting my husband I have been completely infatuated with him. I have no problem with men approaching me but I seem to look for a very distinctive quality, and will “Latch” on if I sense it. I “Latched” to my husband and didn’t let go. I did everything for him, and nothing for myself. I paid for everything; rent , bills, cars, cameras, vacations… you name it. Sometimes I worked two jobs to make sure we were comfortable.

Side Note- I haven’t always been a stripper and only went back to stripping after being laid off from Toyota and after my husband asked me to, so we could put a nice down payment on a condo.

Ill learned from my stepfather that you did what it took to make sure your family was comfortable and sacrificing my needs for others was in blood. Sometimes i worked 75 hours a week to provide a lifestyle that was comfortable for the both of us. He never had to worry about not having money because he knew i would take care of it. I had no friends, and never went out. Most days I enjoyed cleaning, cooking, and making sure i was cleaned up in time to put on a sexy outfit for him to enjoy. On my days off i worked out for hours making sure my body was in tip-top shape, hoping that would keep him around. I got him to marry me to say the least but he never stuck around. He was constantly lying to me and cheating (or at least he says trying to). Funny thing was… I was happy. I mean not deep deep down inside, but when i wasnt trying to think that far down, I was happy. I was addicted to being hurt and being walked on and was just happy having someone in my life.

What does this have to do with Kasey?

As I walked into my first therapy session with my SA, NA and LA counselor I remember the last question she asked me as I poured down tears of helplessness.

“What Chanel, Do you want to accomplish by meeting with me and hopefully achieve in your life?”

I thought long and hard and answered

“I want to no longer be addicted to pain, and I want to be strong enough to leave the people who hurt me and all unhealthy relationships in my life, including my husband if he doesnt get help”

Since that day, I have read book after book and done exercise after excercise strengthening my awareness of self and giving me the necessary tools i need to get healthy.

Watching Kasey “black out” at poker tables and drink himself into a coma every night, was screaming UNHEALTHY to my “improved self” . But I am and will always be a caretaker at heart, and my co dependent self was wondering if i should turn my car around and help Kasey through his addiction. He had encouraged the end of mine and I made a promise i knew i could keep. He even allowed me to be “my addict” and other than puppy eyes, didnt leave me. I remember the nights I sobered up and just wanted someone to be by my side. But I was getting healthy and I no longer wanted to be attracted to men who were addicts or in need of someone to take care of them. I wanted to be taken care of. It was my turn and I for the first time in my life I felt the most deserving of it.

I quickly called my counselor and started hyperventilating and cried while explaining to her my predicament

“Dr Tracy, you dont understand, he needs someone there, I feel like i should have stayed and been there for him. Every addict wants someone who understands and is there for them, I feel like i should turn around….”

“Chanel, has he called you?”

“No he doesnt even realized I left, Hes completely in his addict and blacked out, but i know when he walks up to the room he will be surprised i left”

“Chanel, you need to take care of yourself, but I also understand…..

At that moment I looked in my mirror to find Flashing Red and blue lights. Yes, I was getting pulled over and knew that Barstow cops were not going to let me get away with talking on my cell phone while speeding past Lenwood at 93 mph. I couldn’t find my Id to make matters worse and needed to call Kasey to see if I had left it. You wont believe it but its true when i tell you that Kasey answered his phone asking me why i needed my ID and hadn’t yet walked away from the poker table. He was trying to get me to tell the cop his attorneys name and at that moment i disconnected the line realizing i was getting nowhere with him. After given the ticket I called back my counselor to explain to her

“Tracy, Im not sure what it is….. Im healthier than i have ever been but with all the unhealthy he brings, it only compliments my unhealthy” “He’s not addicted to drugs or sex and doesn’t like being alone, I have a problem spending money on myself and he does that perfectly fine, hes smart and witty, extremely fun and attractive. His smile lights up a room and when he does this little dance where he raises his arms and moves his head side to side, i melt. I like that i can talk to him about all my problems and he doesn’t seem to judge, and he actually teaches me things and doesn’t need me to support him. He hasn’t put me down or said anything but positive stuff about me to others and I like that someone wanted me around as much as I wanted to be around. I never felt like i was suffocating him or invading his space… You know its nice when two people dont like being alone because its like a constant companionship instead one person feeling like they are too “needy”.”

“Well, Chanel, I do think your problems compliment each other, but his addictions seem to be overtaking him more than yours. You are very strong-willed and stubborn which helps you keep yourself in check” “Maybe you should call him ”

No seconds later was Kasey on the other line….

“Where are you!!!!???”

“What do you mean Kasey? Im on the 15 freeway headed home.”

“WHAT!!!! YOU LEFT ME?” “ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU LEFT ME!!!!”

“Kasey I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do, you wouldn’t leave the table and I asked several times….”

“I CANT BELIEVE YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…You actually left me, you left me alone, you dont care”

“KASEY I CARE!!!”

“NO YOU DONT!! you don’t fucking care, YOU LEFT ME, YOU FUCKING LEFT ME…..”

“KASEY I’m sorry I…..”

“You dont care!, when did you leave? why did you leave?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, deep down I kinda felt like i knew this would happen but i didn’t want to believe he was this bad in his addiction to not even remember the poker manager handing him his own keys to his room. I tried to explain to him but he wouldn’t have it.. The pain in his voice crushed me, I knew that pain, I had been there before many times, just wanting someone there when i was ready, someone to hold me or just someone there to let me know things would be okay. But he was right, I had left him, and I was now regretting it.

“I CANT BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME”… and with that he hung up the phone.

There was nothing i could do about it. I tried to call back but he didn’t answer. I was already an hour away from home and turning back would only mean i wasnt as healthy as I thought. I tried to remember what i was paying my therapist for and repeated the words as I cried my eyes out… “I am WORTHY of Good in my life, I do not have to be responsible for other’s happiness” but i couldn’t control it any longer when Eminems, I love the way you lie, song started playing on the radio, I totally lost it and had to pull over to the side of the road. I sat there in my car bawling. I hadn’t allowed myself to cry since my husband and i separated and here i was crying for my second time in less than 24 hours. Usually I would smoked a bowl to take the pain away but I was in public and there i was on the side of the road, hyperventilating… crying for a man i had met 13 days ago, crying for the decision i had made to leave him and the confusion of our companionship, crying for a broken marriage, crying for my past hurts, crying about the speeding ticket i just got, my bills that needed to be paid and crying for the fear of my future. Everything hit me at once…. Like a ton of bricks, i suddenly stopped, motionless and silent….

an hour later I was home.

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Finally Leaving the Dream

This Blog is the last Blog to end the 12 day stay with Kasey at Aria.

I guess i could continue to recap a play by-play of what happened everyday with  Kasey as I stayed at Aria and began the beginning of our confusing companionship but honestly it just doesn’t help or explain the relationship that was building between the end of each long, but interesting and new day we had. I honestly knew he had made a friend out of me but didn’t really understand where any of this was going or at least doing to me, because honestly my divorce was still settling deep inside. I was having fun, Kasey’s way, which was exciting to have no control over…. until I really had no control

July 8th-

We got up and got dressed again, I was out of things to wear and was told we were going to meet “Big Dog” Garren for dinner and walk around RIO to watch our new friend Jennifer play Poker and so Kasey could keep up with World Series Information. Like a PC that needed an update we walked around RIO as Kasey took it “All IN”. I watched as he scanned the room and backed up info onto his internal hard drive for later plans of his domination over the Poker World. After he saw what he felt like was enough, we walked over to help Garren finish his dinner. I enjoyed watching Garren as he talked to Kasey, and internally had fun guessing what he was actually paying attention to. It looked as if he had no interest in anything that was said and instead was imagining the next girl he was about to “bang”. Sure enough he had made previous plans and two latina girls walked in as we were about to leave. One very voluptuous and the other small and looked to be new to Vegas and whatever drug she was on. I got a weird vibe right off the bat as they tried to humor me by talking about their escapades of the strip. I knew something wasnt right and wasnt expecting the company or would have worn something different.

In Vegas Beauty rules. Its like a way of showing status and those who have it are left alone and those who don’t are walked on. I knew I was transformer and had wished i had “Brought it” that night, cause then maybe the skinny Mexican chick wouldn’t have rudely tried to take Kasey home right in front of me. Let me explain. Layne, myself, Kasey, Garren, some white guy (don’t remember his name or importance), and the two girls decided to go to the top of RIO and do a little dancing. Kasey knew by now i loved to dance and I was familiar with the routine. I left the guys to talk and the girls to flaunt while i actually used the time to reflect and dance. Dancing is like breathing for me and without it I may not be here today. So there i am dancing away when i start to notice the girls getting pretty drunk. I rarely get drunk and starting to feel a loyalty to Kasey I made sure to stay sober so at least one of us knew what was going on and where the hotel room was. So here I am dancing when I start to notice the small latina girl getting closer and closer to Kasey. At first I could care less cause I don’t believe a girl would be that rude or stupid but I shouldnt have given her the benefit of the doubt. I also have no control over Kasey or who he wants to bring back to the room cause it wasnt mine to dictate and we had not established any rules, but like a female dog in mating season, who was about to watch another female take the one and only male in the yard, I became FURIOUS. I tried to calm myself down and speak to myself rationally… “Chanel, it doesn’t matter, Chanel she’s ugly, Chanel you’re not with him” but none of it matter. “Chanel, it matters your upset but now is not the place or the time while he’s with people of business, don’t fuck it up for him or make yourself look like a fool.” I repeated this in my head while watching her try to make out with him and whisper in his ear (I found out later she was asking Kasey to take a shower with her), I couldn’t take it anymore and was a little upset with the fact that Kasey wasnt doing too much to stop her but understood she had come with a “Big Dog”. I didn’t care anymore as I pushed her away from him and onto the couch across from him, I realized at that moment….  FUCK! I’M TOTALLY SPRUNG!

It was the last thing i wanted since I wasnt divorced yet and was enjoying my freedom as a Hot Young single chick. I mean, life wasnt that bad for me. I was beautiful, the perfect age of 25, had a car, an awesome Loft by the beach, and was making great money, all the while getting laid by who i wanted when i wanted and not getting bitched about it or feeling bad for it. But I fucked it all up & signed up silently for “KASEY NATION”.

Garren took his drunk ass friends home and I was told I was Ghetto by the white guy with no importance, all the while Kasey running after Layne trying to talk him out of driving home. Short story– Layne, Kasey and I ended up at Money plays, ate Tacos and called it a night. I laid there in bed that night watching him as he fell asleep. Im not sure what he thought of my actions but I kissed him gently on the forehead and passed out.

July 9th

THOMAS PAUL- One of the MIT black jack card Counters who the movie 21 was based on.

We had to meet him at the Nugget since he was black listed everywhere else. His demeanor was confident, yet missing a piece. Kasey had warned me he would hit on me but I was unaware of the obvious ways in which he would do it. All night long he continued to stare in my eyes, as if he was trying to build some connection with me or manipulate me into seeing what he wanted. Til this day im not sure what that was, he wanted me to see but what i saw, was another wealthy guy bored with life and use to manipulating his way into womens pants. He was also an addict and i was later to find out also went to the rehab “THE MEADOWS”

NOTE ON THE MEADOWS- So far everyone I have met who went there is still Fucked up, so do not waste your money on throwing tissues in the air, crying about your childhood for 3o,000.00 dollars. Instead, take that money and buy a personal body guard who will kick your ass every time your about to become “your addict”. After enough ass whippings and embarrassing moments, Im sure you will retrain your brain into being afraid of your addiction and big guys with shirts that say SECURITY! HA!

We all hung out for a bit and I allowed Kasey to catch up with Thomas. Because I stayed sober most nights I couldn’t help but start to be noisy and the relationship between Kasey and Thomas was not yet clear to me. Was he a friend? Was he a “BIG DOG”?

I wondered why Kasey allowed him to hit on me, when i myself couldn’t allow a poor Mexican chick the opportunity to shower…LOL

Houston dropped us off and we went to bed.

July 10th-

It was a nice change of pace to go to bed before sunrise and we woke up half rested once again to the banging of house keeping asking us if we were staying another night. I wasnt sure why Kasey felt the need to continue to pay for the room night by night instead of just telling them how long his stay would be but it wasnt my business and we continued to walk to the front desk every night to get the room re keyed and woke up every morning to the banging of house keeping knocking on our door.

I ordered room service and was starting to get use to my new name “MS THOMPSON” . Everyone was really nice to me and every morning I was asked and made sure I had everything I needed for myself & Mr Thompson. Im not sure if it’s because they liked me or because they liked the fact that i tipped 20.00 dollars on every bill but I didn’t care. Everything was room charge and I was signing Kasey’s name on all our receipts. Of course I would never order anything without Kasey’s permission, and he was aware of my signing, but I did leave out the fact i was tipping everyone 20 bucks. See, I noticed Kasey unlike me, had the opportunity to be a good tipper but he wasnt. At least he probably doubled the tax when he tipped and felt that was sufficient. Being a woman who lived off tips and not having a charity i contributed to, I felt i was doing my part in life by tipping well. See I figure if i tip someone well and they are able to buy school clothes for their kids, or fill their tank with gas to go to church or feed the homeless, or use it to fund a college tuition, then I am doing my part to help. I found it interesting that Kasey could lose 2000.00 dollars on a hand of poker but want to tip no more or less than he had to. So yeah, I tipped everyone well while signing Kasey’s name and hoped I wouldnt get an angry phone call from him when he finally took a look at all the receipts. Whatever it was that was keeping Aria very friendly with me, I enjoyed, and appreciated moments when they would stay in the room and have full conversations with me if Mr. Thompson wasnt around. I really had a good time one morning when Kasey had to play a game of Golf with a friend and I asked house keeping to come by and change all the sheets quickly before he came back. She took a look around and noticed how clean the rest of the place was and I explained that usually i cleaned it because I didnt want room service disturbing Kasey while he slept. I also knew he would come back from all his business meetings drunk, and would want to take a nap if he had to get up out of bed before noon. So she quickly helped me changed the sheets and the pillow cases because I had stained them orange from my self tanner, and was embarrassed for Kasey to notice. Sure enough she had left the room just in time for Kasey to come home and pass out… I also liked when they delivered my food and waited for me to take bites to ask me if everything was okay. To be honest, the food really started to SUCK, and I usually ordered a chocolate milkshake which couldnt be fucked up unless you forgot the ice cream..

So anyways I ordered breakfast and we were off to meet Thomas and more of Kasey’s friends at the VIP pool at the NUGGET. I get anxiety when im being stared at anywhere other than work and Thomas’s eyes as I took off my clothes to get into the pool had me ordering a couple of drinks to relax. Kasey was his usual self ignoring my existence, but i was intrigued when I noticed Brett (aka SilverFox =p), Kasey and Thomas talking about something that was important enough for Kasey to ask for privacy. After the guys returned from their “pow wow”, Kasey informed me that Snoop Dogg was performing for Poker Star Celebs at Rain in the Palms and we were going!!!!! I was stoked and meeting Thomas and his cute young, high maintenance, naive girlfriend, was interesting. I guess the part that was interesting was the way he hit on me in front of her the whole time during and after the concert, like it was a game and he wanted to see if i would play.

July something-

It was about Frickin Time. I finally Got Kasey all to myself. I never thought it would happen and didnt know what to make of it now that i had it. I almost think i wanted to go out, only because I didnt know Kasey any other way now. But i wouldnt not appreciate the moment and I took the time to take it “All In”. We laid in bed together and watched movies all night. I was hoping for a little sex, but sleeping on his chest, tucked away underneath his arm was good enough for me and I was scared to think that I was feeling something that Kasey was not. I had over heard him say he met some hot chick and has over stayed his welcome in Las Vegas, but I didnt know if that was Kasey the “entertainer” or Kasey the man i was asleep next to. I wished Kasey would open up more to me. I felt he was an endless dictionary when speaking business over the phone and an empty cookie jar, leaving me disappointed to finally stick my hand in, when we talked relationships. Either way i was here, falling asleep, holding him but thinking

“Chanel, get a GRIP, your grandmother is right, he will get bored and move on, this is stuff Fairy tales are made of, not Strippers in VIP rooms”

July the next day-

This was an awesome night and meeting FATAL1TY (only sponsored “gamer” in US)  and some nice guys who play for the KINGS was just another check off someone’s “bucketlist”, not particularly mine, but HEY, WHY the heck not?

I could continue this recap of all the hours of gambling Kasey did and all the lavish champagne i drank. I could tell you about the 14k dollar bill from the ARIA that Kasey received from our stay or about the way Kasey turned me on even when he wasnt trying and how gorgeous he looked in a pair of jeans and left over “bed head”. Its not important at this point cause what comes next is unexpected….

My grandmother’s surprise birthday party was two days away and I had told Kasey I could not miss that for the world. She was my heart and feed my soul. I was always told I was beautiful but was always complimented on my manors. That is all from my grandmother who always taught me, beauty fades and only your soul lives on. I invited Kasey to come but he didnt seem interested in meeting my family. I understood and took that as a “We’re just having fun” sign. I wanted to make sure Kasey understood how I felt and I also wanted to show him how to treat a lady, even if that lady wasnt me. It’s not that he did a bad job, it’s just I remembered him from the first night in the VIP room and he spilled a lot more to me then he probably remembered. One of those things; not being good in relationships. I understand, really I do. He grew up in a house where WEALTH meant SUCCESS. STATUS = SUCCESS. I grew up in a house where HEALTHY MARRIAGE meant SUCCESS, and HEALTHY LIFESTYLE = SUCCESS. So we both concentrated on different aspects of our life. I can see it now… I read books like MEN are from Mars and WOMEN are from Venus and Making MARRIAGE work in the 21st Century while Kasey opted for RICH DAD POOR DAD or something written by DONALD TRUMPH.

I didn’t want to leave without making some kind of mark in his fast pace life and thought it would be nice to do something romantic. He had been on a business phone meeting for hours and I was getting bored. I cleaned the room like usual and decided, with little money in my bank account, to do what i could. I picked up some TGIFs from the hotel at Gold Goast and stopped at CVS and picked up 4 candles that smelled like Vanilla on the way back to the room. While Kasey paced back and forth, blackberry to ear & cigarette with Budlight in hands, I rearranged the room.

I opened the curtains all the way (we had a great view of the pools), took the two seats that were facing towards the bed and moved them along side the window facing each other. Took the table and also put that against the window and centered it between the chairs. Lit the candles and placed two of them at the table while the other two around the room. Every time we ordered room service our tray came with a fresh vase of flowers and I always kept them for the day, and tonight they were perfect for the center of the table. Also room service gave those cute little salt and pepper shakers on our tray and i took those too and placed them at the center. Then I began to serve the TGIFs on plates and tried to fit the ice cream in the mini bar fridge (which i found out later costed Kasey a lot since it weighed down the monitor that kept track of what we drank….lol) . I can honestly say i was proud of myself, the room was transformed into an elegant dining experience, and the look on Kasey’s face was priceless. This was my last night, and i knew at that moment, he was impressed. I told him romance comes in several forms and it doesnt always have to cost a lot.

“See Kasey, when i ask you for a date or quality time, this is what im talking about”

“You mean we didn’t have to stay at the Aria?”

“Yes, we could have Stayed at Gold Coast or Motel6 and I would have been happy if you would have done something like this for me, But i will admit, the view wouldn’t have been the same…haha”

We both smiled and sat down. We ate and I finished it off with Red Velvet cake for dessert. TGIF has the best Red velvet and Kasey and I shared that flavor of choice. I sat by Kasey and I thought we would end the night with the good conversation we were having and I was praying for some sex… but it took a twist

THOMAS (the root of all evil) just couldn’t gamble alone and Kasey wanted to meet him at the poker tables. I agreed and told Kasey this was my last night and that i wanted to come back early to get some sleep. I didn’t have to leave the next day but I thought it would be the responsible thing to do. Kasey understood and said he wanted to spend some time with me and even promised me sex before leaving (by this time my lips were clear and my period was gone, and I was fucking hornier than hell) so to hear Kasey make a promise was like music to my ears.

(THIS would be the FIRST of many broken PROMISES)

cause later turned into hours and hours turned into a new day and after going off on Thomas for treating me like some prostitute that could just be traded off from man to man, Kasey not commenting as he heard me tell Thomas it was rude to hit on me in front of him, the asian SLUT of a HOST who was helping Kasey gamble and my VAGINA screaming for attention, I knew I had to make a decision.

“Thomas, stop hitting on me! I don’t want you, im with Kasey, you see that, why do you continue to try?”

“But I really like you and I know I can give you what you want, Kasey isnt giving you the attention you deserve”

it was that comment that set me off and I got up and told Kasey

“Kasey, you’ve lost thousands tonight, Im tired and you promised me the night would not end like this”

“30 more minutes babe, calm down, i promise i will go back up with you”

3o minutes passed and as my cell phone hit 4:45am, i got up and told Kasey

“I’m going to the room, If you’re not there by 5 o’clock I’m gone”

I thought for sure he would follow. Thomas looked at me as I left and as i starred away from the table he was playing at, my heart finally understood what it meant to be a GAMBLER. The poker tables no longer looked like four-legged pieces of wood with green and red felt, but like tall, slim super models that were only covered by a garment of green, and I was jealous. Like the Mexican chick at Rio I wanted to just push it all away. Take the table and throw it over, take Kasey by the hand, Slap Thomas in the face and run away.

I opened the door to our hotel room and began to cry. I cried aloud as tears fell from my chicks, down my chin, because deep down in my heart, no matter how bad I wanted it, wanted Kasey’s attention, a little piece of his heart, I knew i wouldnt get it. I knew Kasey was in his “Addict self” and I was no competition for the four-legged broad. My makeup smearing and the candles still lit from dinner I looked at the Las Vegas Strip in a new light. Vegas was about hopes,dreams, Glitz and Glam. It wasnt about falling in LOVE or serious relationships… It was about YOUTH, LUST and MONEY. By 5:25 I gave up, wiped the tears from my eyes and changed. I cleaned Kasey’s room one last time and wrote several little notes he would later find once his “HIGH” wore off. I took my bags and walked down to the poker tables and stood in front of Kasey. He didn’t even look up as he continued to roll the chips between his fingers and as I asked the table manager to hand Kasey back his room keys and tell him I said “GoodBYE”, I watched Kasey. Hoping he’d get up and stop me, hoping he wasnt truly this addicted, and being disappointed that I was stronger than he was, I left Aria and Kasey at the table and headed home

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In line behind the Blackberry

Written 6th July 2010

I don’t know how to explain how completely annoying Kasey’s blackberry is when your trying to sleep and as soon as the rooster crows, there goes Kasey’s phone… Buzzz, buzzzz, buzzz buzz  zz buz

I woke up finally, and don’t know what i was thinking when i found myself awakening in the same position i feel asleep in, across his chest and feeling more secure and less alone for once in a long time. Then out of the blue,  OMG! I just remembered i was supposed to have checked out of my room and it was already 3pm in the afternoon. Kasey told me to calm down and ask them to extend the room.

Was he planning on paying for this mistake? I was too afraid to ask and showed back to my room with a nice 100 dollar charge for a night I would not be enjoying because Kasey had asked me to grab my stuff and help him occupy the room at ARIA and like that, i didnt even second guess it, i was back

I showed up and met him at the “Piano Bar” underneath the elevators and was also greeted by his driver “Houston” and “his woman” who were talking to Jen and Lee!! YAY!! some real company tonight… I was excited and with the notice that Jen and I were wearing the exact dress but accessorized differently we all had a laugh and began the night.

Im not sure how it happened or if it was inevitable after quickly downing two champagne cocktails, my new favorite drink, but as i looked at Kasey entertain his “friends” and try to bring life to a party that was only secretly existent because of the “NEED” for one another instead of the “want” i took notes at Kasey’s posture when he talked of certain things, his hand movements and tonight my eyes seemed to focus on his DICK!! God i wanted his dick… Or did I? Did i just need Dick? all I know is saying the word DICK three times in my head was enough to make my panties moist and I asked Kasey if he would excuse himself with me to run upstairs to the room to help me get my cell phone (that I really did conveniently forget .)

“Sure babe.”

As we walked into the room and I watched as Kasey grabbed my phone from the bed to hand it to me, I instinctively felt myself become My ADDICT and like an AMERICAN WAREWOLF in PARIS I grabbed his body to pull it close to mine, while making out I tore off his pants and moved my underwear aside.

Poor Kasey looked as if i had molested him but enjoyed every second of going back down stairs to brag about the 10 min “Pound town” adventure  we shared. I can hear Both Lee and Jen echoing “POUND TOWN, POUND TOWN” and as i adjusted my dress and walked behind Kasey to quickly kiss him on the neck, I had allowed MY ADDICT to get the best of me and i felt satisfied and accomplished.

Neither him nor I minded and it was a good start to a night that was about to go down hill for me quickly…

As other “friends” came to meet us and we took over the bar area it was the funniest thing to see this guy who called himself TOM come over and make friends with each of us explaining

“You know what sucks about you?””ABOSULTELY NOTHING”

It was funny at first but when he tried to stick his finger up Lees butt and drank a couple cocktails on our bill, poor MySpace Tom was elected to leave by a unanimous vote… you would have thought Obama entered the room as 4 guys in suites came and escorted his drunk ass down the stairs

We had a good laugh and have been enjoying our new pickup line of letting someone know that absolutely nothing sucks about them…..lol

Ive never had Dom Perrion before but at least 7 bottles were cracked as a “Big DOG” rolled in.

BIG DOG was my new name for people who were BIG HITTERS or INVESTORS in “KASEYNATION”. I always knew one when they showed up because the good stuff was always ready to be popped and Kasey Sobered up for the first 30 min they showed up, which was just long enough for someone else to take over for Kasey and Keep the BIG DOG company while Kasey lost himself in the liquor.

This “Dog” was interesting and he and I seemed to share a few familiar glances thru the night, like we had known each other and as we made our way to Jet at the Mirage I watched as we were given a table only 1 hour before they closed. Who goes to a night club at 2 in the morning? KaseyNation does!!!! If I sound a little upset to you, it’s because at this point I have lost all attention from Kasey and even tho my dress was attracting every other male in the world,  Kasey paid more attention to his blackberry, cigarettes and cocktail.

I decided to take the night into my own hands and say “Screw it” as i left my group to exhale the anxiety that was building inside of me. I let the air hover over the hands waved high into the air to the beat of the bass that was making my panties do a little dance….. Jen came over later that night and i explained to her i was going home in the morning and could not allow myself to be treated in such a way considering i was in therapy for LOVE, DRUG and SEX addiction and I could feel my unhealthy addict side wanting to take over and take control.

I felt neglected and used. I don’t get it? I really don’t fucking get it? Your not paying me…. but every night you ask me to stay another and don’t ask for sex and don’t kiss me or hold me and I feel like I’ve been elected to be your expensive LOUIE or CHANEL bad that sits ever so perfect on your arm but is silent and still when it is no longer of use because we all know that once a purse is shown to friends… It has already lost most of its excitement value to have in the first place or at least for the money you spent.

What im saying is WHAT THE HELL DO I NEED TO DO to get SOME ATTENTION AROUND HERE?????????

Kasey WHY DO YOU WANT ME? Dont be afraid but im starting to allow you on the side of my brain that wants to be here for you and clean up after you and make sure your tucked away at nights. If i was getting paid or used for sex at least I could distance myself from you emotionally. Its harder when nothing makes sense except to think you like me and have no idea how to be a good boyfriend because your busy trying to :Take OVER THE WORLD